idk. serotonin deficit part eighteen.

melancholy fit.

2008-02-14T14:01:00.001+08:00

after a lifetime's worth of blogging and ranting about the sadness which composes most parts of my life, i finally think trying to be happy and finding ways to be happy is not the real answer. this following article, the first i've read for this day, has enlightened me to some extent, clearing an overly vague path. and now, i have decided to dwell in my loneliness. the melancholia, the sadness and depression---everything that comes with it. because it is part of who i am. and i shall be who i am meant to be.
and so, i share with you, the UPSIDE of BEING DOWN..:

ARGUING THE UPSIDE OF BEING DOWN

All Things Considered, February 11, 2008 · Author Eric G. Wilson has come to realize he was born to the blues, and he has made peace with his melancholy state.

But it took some time, as he writes in his new book, a polemic titled Against Happiness: In Praise of Melancholy.

At the behest of well-meaning friends, I have purchased books on how to be happy. I have tried to turn my chronic scowl into a bright smile. I have attempted to become more active, to get away from my dark house and away from my somber books and participate in the world of meaningful action. … I have contemplated getting a dog. I have started eating salads. I have tried to discipline myself in nodding knowingly. … I have undertaken yoga. I have stopped yoga and gone into tai chi. I have thought of going to psychiatrists and getting some drugs. I have quit all of this and then started again and then once more quit. Now I plan to stay quit. The road to hell is paved with happy plans.

Wilson has embraced his inner gloom, and he wishes more people would do the same.

The English professor at Wake Forest University wants to be clear that he is not "romanticizing" clinical depression and that he believes it is a serious condition that should be treated.

But he worries that today's cornucopia of antidepressants — used to treat even what he calls "mild to moderate sadness" — might make "sweet sorrow" a thing of the past.

"And if that happens, I wonder, what will the future hold? Will our culture become less vital? Will it become less creative?" he asks.

Wilson talks to Melissa Block about why the world needs melancholy — how it pushes people to think about their relation to the world in new ways and ultimately to relate to the world in a richer, deeper way.

He also explores the link between sadness, artistic creation and depression — which has led to suicide in many well-known cases: Virginia Woolf, Vincent Van Gogh, Hart Crane and Ernest Hemingway, for instance.

Wilson says perhaps this is "just part of the tragic nature of existence, that sometimes there's a great price to be paid for great works or beauty, for truth."

"We can look at the lives of Dylan Thomas, Virginia Woolf, Hart Crane and others and lament the fact that they suffered so. Yet at the same time, we're buoyed, we're overjoyed by the works they left behind," Wilson says.

The husband and father of a young daughter also acknowledges that melancholy is "difficult terrain to negotiate in domestic situations." He says there are certainly times when his family hoped he would be "happier," and yet they would not want him to pretend to feel something he doesn't.

Wilson says that by taking his melancholy seriously, his family ultimately will get to know him more deeply and develop a more intimate relationship with him.

"To get to know your partner, your spouse, your friend fully, you really have to find a way to embrace the dark as well as the light. Only then can you know that person," he says.

Excerpt: 'Against Happiness'

by Eric G. Wilson

Conclusion

The gene pool — before and beyond time — froths and sloshes. What flops up onto the temporal shores is a matter of chance, a product of the waves' whims. At some point this teeming reservoir of DNA spumes forth a saturnine gene, a double helix destined to produce melancholy dispositions. From this instant onward what we know as human history begins: that striving, seemingly endless, toward an ungraspable perfection, that tragic effort to reach what exceeds the grasp, to fail magnificently. This gene, this melancholy gene, has proved the code for innovation. It has produced over the centuries our resplendent towers, yearning heavenward. It has created our great epics, god-hungry. It has concocted our memorable symphonies, as tumultuously beautiful as the first ocean. Without this sorrowful genome, these sublimities would have remained in the netherworld of nonexistence. Indeed, without this genetic information, sullen and ambitious, what we see as culture in general, that empyreal realm of straining ideas, might have never arisen from the mere quest for survival, from simple killing and eating.

We can picture this in the primitive world. While the healthy bodies of the tribe were out mindlessly hacking beasts or other humans, the melancholy soul remained behind brooding in a cave or under a tree. There he imagined new structures, oval and amber, or fresh verbal rhythms, sacred summonings, or songs superior to even those of the birds. Envisioning these things, and more, this melancholy malingerer became just as useful for his culture as did the hunters and the gatherers for theirs. He pushed his world ahead. He moved it forward. He dwelled always in the insecure realm of the avant-garde.

This primitive visionary was the first of many such avant-garde melancholics. Of course not all innovators are melancholy, and not all melancholy souls are innovative. However, the scientifically proved relationship between genius and depression, between gloom and greatness suggests that the majority of our cultural innovators, ranging from the ancient dreamer in the bush to the more recent Dadaist in the city, have grounded their originality in the melancholy mood. We can of course by now understand why.

Melancholia pushes against the easy "either/or" of the status quo. It thrives in unexplored middle ground between oppositions, in the "both/and." It fosters fresh insights into relationships between oppositions, especially that great polarity life and death. It encourages new ways of conceiving and naming the mysterious connections between antinomies. It returns us to innocence, to irony, that ability, temporary, to play in potential without being constrained to the actual. Such respites from causality refresh our relationship to the world, grant us beautiful vistas, energize our hearts and our minds.

Indeed, the world is much of the time boring, controlled as it is by staid habits. It seems overly familiar, tired, repetitious. Then along comes what Keats calls the melancholy fit, and suddenly the planet again turns interesting. The veil of familiarity falls away. There before us flare bracing possibilities. We are called to forge untested links to our environments. We are summoned to be creative.

Given these virtues of melancholia, why are thousands of psychiatrists and psychologists attempting to "cure" depression as if it were a terrible disease? Obviously, those suffering severe depression, suicidal and bordering on psychosis, require serious medications. But what of those millions of people who possess mild to moderate depression? Should these potential visionaries also be asked to eradicate their melancholia with the help of a pill? Should these possible innovators relinquish what might well be their greatest muse, their demons giving birth to angels?

Right now, if the statistics are correct, about 15 percent of Americans are not happy. Soon, perhaps, with the help of psychopharmaceuticals, we shall have no more unhappy people in our country. Melancholics will become unknown.

This would be an unparalleled tragedy, equivalent in scope to the annihilation of the sperm whale or the golden eagle. With no more melancholics, we would live in a world in which everyone simply accepted the status quo, in which everyone would simply be content with the given. This would constitute a dystopia of ubiquitous placid grins, a nightmare worthy of Philip K. Dick, a police state of Pollyannas, a flatland that offers nothing new under the sun. Why are we pushing toward such a hellish condition?

The answer is simple: fear.

Most hide behind the smile because they are afraid of facing the world's complexity, its vagueness, its terrible beauties. If they stay safely ensconced behind their painted grins, then they won't have to encounter the insecurities attendant upon dwelling in possibility, those anxious moments when one doesn't know this from that, when one could suddenly become almost anything at all. Even though this anxiety, usually over death, is in the end exhilarating, a call to be creative, it is in the beginning rather horrifying, a feeling of hovering in an unpredictable abyss. Most immediately flee from this situation. They try to lose themselves in the laughing masses, hoping the anxiety will never again visit them. They don inauthenticity as a mask, a disguise protecting them from the abyss.

To foster a society of total happiness is to concoct a culture of fear. Do we really want to give away our courage for mere mirth? Are we ready to relinquish our most essential hearts for a good night's sleep, a season of contentment? We must ignore the seductions of our blissed-out culture and somehow hold to our sadness. We must find a way, difficult though it is, to

be who we are, sullenness and all.

Suffering the gloom, inevitable as breath, we must further accept this fact that the world hates: we are forever incomplete, but fragments of some ungraspable whole. Our unfinished natures — we are never pure actualities but always vague potentials — make life a constant struggle, a bout with the persistent unknown. But this extension into the abyss is also our salvation. To be but a fragment is always to strive for something beyond oneself, something transcendent — an unexplored possibility, an unmapped avenue. This striving is always an act of freedom, of choosing one road instead of another. Though this labor is arduous — it requires constant attention to our mysterious and shifting interiors — it is also ecstatic, an almost infinite sounding of the exquisite riddles of Being.

To be against happiness, to avert contentment, is to be close to joy, to embrace ecstasy. Incompleteness is the call to life. Fragmentation is freedom. The exhilaration of never knowing anything fully is that you can perpetually imagine sublimities beyond reason. On the margins of the known is the agile edge of existence. This is the elation of circumference. This is the rapture, burning slow, of finishing a book that can never be completed, a flawed and conflicted text, vexed as twilight.

Excerpted from Against Happiness by Eric G. Wilson. Copyright © 2008 by Eric G. Wilson. Published in January 2008 by Sarah Crichton Books, a division of Farrar, Straus and Giroux, LLC. All rights reserved.

pure white-covered smudges.

2008-02-07T22:15:00.000+08:00

it's ironic, isn't it? how we aim to take care of other people who we probably do not know of, and be unable to take care of ourselves?

what is it, really, that matters? hours moved to decades of introspection and reflection. solitude doesn't help, then, i conclude. for after half a lifetime of blunder and self-query, theories of familial roles are the closest to a real answer that i had mustered.

whatever happened to my dreams of being a freelance (with a high chance of poverty) writer, boasting stories of everyday, telling tales i so proudly fabricate in a single swish of my wand?

or the musical passions so fiery when i was younger? ---these, today, gone. dried up. all abilities long forgotten. with memories of what had been to be all that's left. memories to pinch me long and painful, reminders of the cowardice to face life with nothing but a faithful dream.

i used to brag to those overhearing that this phase of my life is my "personal detour", a long-cut-road of what is yet to come. just a stepping stone towards what i really want to achieve. of what i want to be.

or is it?

had i been saying so because of truth and faith in my passions,
or are these made up lies to compensate for my inability to pursue what i was born to do?

...

a few days ago i broke down unexpectedly and the two dearest people to me had witnessed the feat. the walls i kept up infront of me, those which for years remained strong and tall and ready to mask out all my inner struggles---those walls.. all that kept me strong in the eyes of the people who need to see a strong me, yes---those walls, they failed me, expired as they might be, they were not able to keep on my defense.

tears cascaded and a voice broke.

it was the coldest moment of my life for so long.

"cannot you do it anymore?"
with sincere, however un-shown, intentions i was told.

and with the energy i was not able to find, i ended up whispering in my mind the wishes to say that i still can. my reply was silence and i let them leave with the assurance that i am okay and that all's fine.
that i can do this.

at least that was what i told them.

with a short dialogue, mostly led through verbal talk on their part, i learned that they actually believed that i like[d] nursing.

with that, rivers can never compare with the strangely familiar tears i feel. this time---stronger, more intense than those i've been petting for innumerable nights before.

as if they've always been there, lodged, waiting.
like a cloud.. waiting for rain to fill it up before pouring down.
020708.

rabid.

2008-02-06T08:51:00.000+08:00

I AM TRYING TO BE A NICE PERSON. pero sa mga nangyayari ngayon, napipilitan akong magbalik sa dati kong outlook sa buhay. at kayo? you are not helping.

February 04, 2008.

maawa naman kayo. lunes na lunes, at ang matindi---ang aga-aga. alas syete ng umaga, araw ng galit at poot ko dahil ipagawa nyo na lahat wag lang ang gumising ng alas singko para maligo for school. pero hinde e. sabi ko kagabi sa sarili ko (sunday), "i am going to start this week fresh. a nice, warm, cozy week. titigilan ko na pagiging nega ko kasi di na ata masyadong okey yun. hmm. at bukas ay lunes na. a chance."

and you fucked it up big time. you stupid, idiotic, below-mediocrisy creature with spiked hair na ipinipilit mong i-fashion kahit pa alam mo na hindi yan pwede kase nursing ka. ang low mo gago. you could ask my college friends (friends. hindi classmates. hindi acquaintances. go figure the difference), sa lahat ng ayoko at sa lahat ng kakaunting prinsipyo ko, ayaw na ayaw na AYAW ko ng cheaters. and what do you do? you do the exact thing. kokopya ka pa e. di ako tanga gago. i may not be looking at your artificially manufactured face para makita kong umaandar ang lateral eye muscles mo -- directed to my test paper. putangina mo. sa tingin mo papasa ka sa board exam? itaga mo 'to sa bato at sa kukote mo: HINDI KA MAGIGING NURSE. isinusumpa ko yan. masama na kung masama. pero never provoke a silent person. you never know kung anong nasa loob ng kumukulong isip niya. i was just too disappointed and dahil bagong seatmate kita ayokong gumawa ng eskandalo. i didn't turn you over. not yet. so you better fix your ways mister.

and did i say big time? sorry---i missed the part na more than that na pala ang pang-gagago mo saken at sa c.i. nateng tatanga-tanga at sa sarili mo at sa kung sinumang nagoyo mo para paaralin ka. dahil sa kung di ka pa makapal, talaga naman oo, e pati ASSIGNMENT ko sa statistics kukunin mo pa. puta naman tol. wait, kung na-miss mo yung part ng elementary education mo kung san inexplain ni teacher na ang ASSIGNMENT ay HOMEWORK (which unfortunately means--kung di mo pa to ma-gets--e work na gagawin MO sa bahay. SA BAHAY.) tangna naman. wala kang patawad.

i know wala akong kwentang teacher, mahina sa pag-eexplain at walang pasensya sa mga taong hindi ma-gets ang isang simpleng bagay o instruction PERO mas pipiliin ko na sigurong magsayang ng laway at oras sa pagturo sayo kesa sa kopyahin mo ang pinaghirapan ko. alam mo ba kung anong ibig sabihin ng TEST? pagsusulit. examination. tool yan, hindi lang para me malagay na numeric grades sa class card mo. tool para ma-assess mo kung me pumasok ba dyan sa ulo mo. kung me naintindihan ka ba o kung nagsasayang ka lang ng tuition fee sa pagpapakyut sa klase. e di bale sana kung gwapo ka e, BAKA mapatawad pa kita at kiligin. kaso hindi e pare, hinde. TEST. gets? hindi ctrl+c at ctrl+v ng sagot ko sa papel mo. pucha. wooooh. dati impression lang e. kaso sorry, nagkamali ka ng kokopyahan. it's official. ayoko na sa'yo. magdusa ka ng dalawa pang term. ni tuldok sa numbering ng exam o kung anong petsa ngayon, wala ka nang makukuha saken. mag-aral ka o bumagsak. o kaya maghanap ka ng ibang magagancho mo. all-or-nothing. good luck man. you are so going to need it. i don't care if i sound rude. evil. pero believe me, based sa mga nakikita ko, sa situation mo tsong, luck is ALL that you have.

come on, prove me wrong.

another thing. oy classmates, reality check pwede? baka kase nakakaligtaan nyu na. second year na tayo. COLLEGE. jusmiyo naman.

you are such childish freaks. act your age, or AT LEAST, pretend to be college students, kahit pag nasa loob lang ng school. i hate your shallow stupidity. alam ko walang kwenta yung bagong c.i. naten at nauuto nyu sya. pero hello? haynaku.

so pumapayag syang bagalan ang dictation nya ng add-on info sa lesson naten. (THAT alone is stupid na nga e. putres, i never imagined add-on info to be compulsory NOTED DOWN by all students. nagiging mandatory na ang lecturing e.) and you fuckin make it worse.

"ma'am, pakiulit.."

"ma'am, ano po ulit yon?"

"teka lang po.."

"ma'am wait."

"ha?"

mga gago. ang babagal nyong magsulat. pano kase word for word. adik kayo sa spoon feeding. how lame. yung iba kokopyahin pa notes ko kasi eepal epal sila pag nagdidiscuss. go to hell kung may hell man. mga sira ulo. babagal nyo. pati tuloy ang pace ng lessons para saken bumabagal. sayang binabayad ko. LET'S FACE IT: wala na ngang kwenta yung present lesson naten kumukupal pa kayo. isipin nyo naman. ang mahal ng binabayad naten tapos tinuturuan nyo pang maging ewan yung mga c.i. naten. gosh. i cannot absorb the kind of mentality you guys have. para kayong mga grade school students na nag-rerejoice pag wala yung teacher, pag may bagyo o brownout o may mass dahil walang pasok. pathetic.

and kung pwede, kahit paminsan minsan lang, manahimik naman kayo. tatanda nyo na kelangan nyu pang bawalan para manahimik. syet.. grabe.

at kayong mga instructors, alam ko gano kalaki sahod nyo. wala akong pakelam kung puyat kayo dahil sa duty the night before o kung inaantok kayo dahil maaga ang class. o kung nag-away kayo ng boyfriend nyo. pssh. ano tingin nyo? okey lang saking gumising ng maaga tapos eengot-engot lang ang discussion mo? ay wait. mali. hmm. hindi ka naman nagdidiscuss e. kahit manahimik ka o magsalita, basta basahin ko yung handout, pareho lang. you make no impact on my learning. masaktan ka nga para magbago ka. kabago bago mo ganyan naiwang impression sakin. ayus-ayusin mo. binabayaran ka namen. sana kung office-work-type degree lang kame e. kaso, um.. tok tok tok, ma'am ser, nursing po tayo. buhay ang nakasalalay samen. kokonting item lang na na-miss mo, pwede nang magka-revoke-an ng lisensyang apat na taong pinaghirapan.

to one of the many RLE instructors---yung c.i. na payatot na parang makaka acquire ng sakit after 5 seconds of exposure sa may sipon na patient---na may suot na body bag kahit saan magpunta,

hi po!! tangina mo. pa-check check ka pa ng proper grooming at proper uniform at complete paraphernalia e sarili mo walang ka-proper proper. sumbong kaya kita sa level coordinator? angas mo tol. alam ko konti lang ang matitinong c.i. na napapahanga ako talaga pero sana naman kahit pano e maging professional ka. i-try mong WAG MAG-iPOD habang nag-ooral defense yung students. bastos kasi yun e. try mo ding mag trim ng nails. puta. kami nga bawal yung kulay white sa kuko tapos ikaw gaganyan ganyan ka? try mo din yung natural hair color mo. and ano mo yung above the knee uniform mo? YOU MAKE THE FACULTY OF NURSING IRONIC. enough said? oh.. and then you keep on teaching us complicated things when you could not even succeed in becoming a simple, PROPER, role model. bakit ba hina-hire kayo ng school? idiots.

February 05, 2008.

halos lahat siguro ng subject teachers at clinical instructors, sa umpisa ng term nila e tinatanong kung sino ang scholars sa isang section. at alam nating dalawa na kabilang tayo sa iilang yun. pero ni minsan hindi ako nagtaas ng kamay. ayoko ng ganung attention. parang ang cheap di ba? duh? kung matalino ka, you don't need to flaunt it. kase it would show e. performance matters, baby. not your friggin' stupid lame-ass title. wala kang ginagawa saken pero ayoko sayo at wala ka nang magagawa dahil nakapag-decide nako. wala nang plastikan to. ayoko sayo and ayoko sayo. that's the end of my sentence.

what the hell is up with your chinita smiling (damn you metalmouth.kala mo maganda ka bruha. kabud ka mu maputi animal.) and your, err, automatic tendency of raising your hand to be recognized as a BYA scholar? fuck up please.

at kayong mga kaklase kong tatanga-tanga din, wag kasi kayong padala agad sa mga bya bya na yan. bluff scholars lang yan e. nakukuha ang scholarship based sa HIGH SCHOOL GRADES. for pete's sake. ba't di na lang kayo bumalik ng high school? AND TAKE NOTE! FULL SCHOLARS SILA. no tuition nor misc. fees. totally. such fakes. you don't even deserve it. di pinaghihirapan ang perks. how dare you look down on College Scholars na bawat point e manual ang achievement? you are not even a mile close sa University Scholars. easy lang ang math. try the numbers.

o baka nadadala lang ako sa landi nitong kaklase ko. baka yung ibang totoo-and-deserving BYAs e me utak at ibubuga talaga. sino ba namang matinu-tinong taong mag-iisip na skolar ka? bah!! kabud ka mu malantung nimal!! not all scholars are intelligent--that's my conclusion dahil ininfect mo ang respeto ko sa mga skolar. you are a big fake. and i hate fakes. you formulate the conclusion.

ay teka---sabi ko wala kang ginagawa saking masama di ba? pwede pa erase-erase? i'm taking that back. meron nga pala. this morning. ohh yes.. you dumb bitch.

exam sa STS at alam ng lahat ng ka-batch naten kung ilang litro ng dugo at gallons ng pawis ang nawala sa mga [honest] students para makapag-prepare sa test na yun. skolar pa ang tawag sayo. do you know how hard it is to NOT SLEEP sa hapon? to keep the laptop turned off and NOT BLOG? hell, you have no idea. okay.. so you say nagreview ka din, fine. you should've at least stuck with what you know. wag yung dinadaan mo sa daya yung mga ehem, "nakalimutan" mo at pasimple ka pang suma-side glance sa'ken. oh pleeeeease. go fool someone else. di ako nangongopya. so bakit ako magpapakopya? why would i disturb the balance of my inner mind para lang ma-REMIND ka kung anong sagot kase NAKALIMUTAN mo. go home. get a life. sana nag-absent ka para mag-review kesa sa sinisira mo yung katiting na respetong nakuha mo sakin dahil iskolar-iskolaran ka KUNO. ngayon? boom. wa na.

akala ko dati, my classmate (also a scholar-though deserve naman nya kahit pano) was plain mean. sabi kasi niya "yung ibang skolar dyan, hindi naman matalino."

that will be the only statement coming from him na matatandaan ko as something of sense.

so oo, inaamin ko nung high school tamad din ako. hanggang ngayon naman di ako ganun kasipag. nangongopya din ako nun. but i think:

1. people can change. (well, yung for the better ha..)
and my principles at present are my own living proof nito. i grew tired of my passive and lazy and stupid high school lifestyle and decided to stand on my own feet and be responsible enough. because college is a different thing. buhay na natin 'to right after. uhh, a bit more than 2 years na lang right? di ka man mahuli ng teachers, malaki ang implication nyan sa personal life at attitude mo towards work. kayo kaya, kelan magbabago? o habambuhay na lang kayong aasa sa kaklase't kaibigan nyo para pumasa?

2. sabi ko i would try to be a "nice" person. pero pag nava-violate na mga prinsipyo at paniniwala ko, kapag nawawalan ng justice (kahit pa life is never fair)-----i'd rather be my old self. hated by others, pero at least i'm at peace with myself.

malaki ang chances na wala ni isa sa inyong makakapag-basa nito, and i shall remain unaffected. blogging lang talaga is such good medium to out all emotions pag wala kang [available] na mapagsabihan.

P.S..:
to mr. nangongopya, may test bukas. subukan mong mag-aral. madali lang yun.
to ms. bluff scholar, live by your title. and just so you know, last sem ko na to. i'm giving up my scholarship hindi lang dahil nakaka-stress na talaga ang schooling lalo na pag me minemaintain na quota. igi-give up ko siya kasi ayokong ma-categorize kasama mo ng ibang tao from the future na makaka-meet sayo at isiping i'm a bluff too.

hindi ko sinasabing perfect ako nor that i am intelligent kesa sa lahat ng human beings. but you get my point.

sabi nila, never make statements pag mainit ang ulo or kapag nagpatong-patong ang stresses.

sabi ko naman, go to hell.

020508.

blood spills.

2008-02-03T09:20:00.000+08:00

IT WAS JUST LIKE A MOVIE. where i was sitting at the middle of the room, sitting flat, doing nothing, sitiing while watching them all move about. they were there, in herds and cattle of great flock, surrounding me.. eyeing me like i am an alien, a foreigner to my own kind. their movements were both static and quick at the same time---like watching from a boob tube, where all actors scurried in frenzy, unmindful of you.. you watching.

i often like to do such, sit in a corner and shut up, look at everything else. but in the end i always disappoint myself with a sigh. for the scene never changes. it is always the same. always.

the noises were quite bearable--comparing them to the grueling voices of my co-learners which i am so sarcastically rightful of experiencing---on a daily basis. every female body i witnessed in that room--they are all one. typical. not as much as a droplet of energy to keep themselves different, at least unique--distinct, from the other grazing cattle. it was a forest where i was a little lost child, lioness eyes staring back at me.. the looks by themselves killing me. i love the country, but trying not to be a hypocrite, sometimes, i do hate the country's new-found culture. splashing colors and straigthening tweeds of locks on their already tormented faces every two to three seconds, as if fully convinced that this is the key to eternal happiness. it is either i am bitterly cynic, or i'm just sorely unable to understand their point.

the animals group themselves, as if falling out of the circle will cast evil aura to them.. they will be casted out, left behind. they will be like me. and they think and say, "that is not a beautiful thing".

and once when i thought the mind wanderings will be forever, the master of puppets arrived, carrying under her sleeves fabricated sheets of killed trees, waiting for us to fill-out using the blood flowing through our veins, blood to decide which is appropriate and which is otherwise. the blood i've two years been saving for this one day to come.

orientations are, generally, boring. and as the master of puppets showed the puppeteers how a puppet should look like, i found myself drowning on my now-becoming-often act of pondering on the 'big' questions.

yes, the big ones.

with my blood ready to spill out on layers of sheet, why am i here? i say. the never ending dilemma has caught up on me---well, yes, AGAIN. proving only, even more, that forced will never be as good as spontaneous. just like giving birth, or making a donation, it's rape over sex. it's cramming over learning. starving over dieting.

and i tell myself, then, to shut the thoughts off. lest my blood go dry in an instant. i could always save my queries for later. the day is never too short to reflect, anyway.

oh and how successful-er could one be? now the mind goes off, in search for a new what-to-do. and right there--under the sleeves of the puppet master, i found more questions than the single answers. oops. omit the 's' if you would.

as if slitting wrists to draw graffiti on thinned walls of tree sheets is not enough, the brain goes on nerve wracking (literally) and pulse-upping predicaments. the greatest question of mankind, of course, will participate..:

what if i don't make it?

and just like planning on how to sneak out of the room to rave-party til five in the morning without getting caught, wracked nerves and bursting pulses were not enough to fill up the gaps of uncertainty and disdain. my blood will determine my future. if not the whole of it, then so be most of it, if that fails to cast fear.

how commercial breaks interfere with the conclusion of every ending tv series i know, the puppet master handed out the cards and gave us the cue to start slitting our wrists. and once again, my head was silenced. focus shifted. on now.. back to my future, i stammer quietly.

when you go up and around a community where everybody (well..almost) calls you the dictionary on wheels, you--though trying to stay humble at most parts--cannot help but look forward to.. um, vocabulary tests. as for me, i am now seriously making a mental note to remind those others in the community of my famed excellence that they are wrong, and that i failed to answer what the synonym of fucking 'ardor' is. what is more stupid than to say it is "anger". arrgh stupidity. (as many will have figured out by now or a bit earlier, yes, i banged my head on the walls soon as i learned about the wrong-ness of my choiced answer. *sigh*)

it was very far from what a person like me (no hint of boasting on that line) would expect a moment-of-truth screening to be. sure, the flock and herds did not disappoint me with their rather expected behavior, the puppet master acted her part quite convincingly, too. but when you've rattled your brains out and pulled your hair a couple of times because of insomnia-induced-anxiety, not seeing the doom of your life fall down on you becomes a low instead of a grateful sigh. i do think i am weird, waiting for my downfall (i was expecting to flunk, okay?) don't worry.

i still have about one hundred and sixty eight hours before the next blood spilling race arrives. but then i may be too poor in math to do the solving, though able of no-purposedly figuring out what x and y stood for yesterday. they seem to be following me around more frequently these days. i wonder.

020308.breakfastthoughtsfromyesterday.

012808:1215.

2008-01-30T17:33:00.000+08:00

spiral of thoughts
dark noises wringing with eyes shut

the pain is gone
yet the emptiness..

it lingers on.

how to tick people off.

2008-01-27T12:21:00.000+08:00

HOW TO TICK PEOPLE OFF

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
Staple pages in the middle of the page.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
type only in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
"DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
Ask people what gender they are.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

artlung.com

alcohol.

2008-01-26T19:35:00.000+08:00

sa saliw ng tugtugin ay yuyugyog
sa dilim ng paligid
sa ingay ng musika
magkakarinigan pa ba o magwawala na?

sapagkat sa sahig na gawa ng bawat taong nandito
lahat ay nawawala

nalilimot..
nililipad..

ang bawat indak at hiyaw
katumbas ng pagtakas sa katotohanang bumabalot sa sarili
pagtakas sa hindi masasayang bagay

sumayaw ka
kasabay ng paglimot
kasalo sa selebrasyo't pugay
marka ng panahong pinagtitibay mo
sumayaw ka, iha, sumayaw ka
ang gabi'y iyo nang buong-buo.
sugapa. yakapin mo siya. halikan mo't kainin.
dahil sa gabing 'di tulad ng iba ay mawawala ka.

lunurin ang sarili
sa handog ng sining ng bawat bahagi mo
pagkat ang gabi ay bata pa
iyong katawa'y painitin
idikit at ihagod
sa tabi ng iba at ng sariling kamalayan

mawawala ang sarili.

cheers.happy18thbirthdaychents.

tahimik.

2008-01-24T14:07:00.000+08:00

maskara ako
daluyong ng damo
pekeng ligaya

shareenarciso.STS.012408

hiroshima.

2008-01-24T13:56:00.000+08:00

sa kadiliman
sa paghihingalo
ligaya'y batid

shareenarciso012408

ala-una.

2008-01-24T13:19:00.000+08:00

My ex...

is no more.

Maybe I should...
start professional badminton training.

I love...
coffee.

People would say that i'm...
err.. unconventional.

I don't understand...
the need for math.

When i wake up in the morning...
i blame the alarm clock.

I lost...
last night sa doubles namen. (um.my fault.)

Life is full of...
oddities.

My past is...
the reason for my present.

I get annoyed when...
people act plain stupid. or at least when they go to school with ten coatings of make up on.

Parties are...
parties only when they're with real friends.

I wish....
my wishes come true.

Dogs...
are....uhh...cute. [?]

Cats...
are flirts.

Tomorrow...
is another proof of yesterday's ignorance.

I have low tolerance...
for shallow people. (girls especially. whatever happened to the strong women?)

If I had a million dollars...
i'd live a hapy life in the Philippines. the best place to be. i'll badminton every chance i get, i'll study music and i'll make overweigh-ing legally acceptable.

I'm totally terrified...
of math, unwanted fats and monosodium glutamate.

90 Questions.

2008-01-21T19:33:00.000+08:00

[stolen from kuya rodel]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

90 Things You May Not Have Known About Me:

1. What is the last alcoholic beverage you drank?
(ages ago...) cruiser vodka.

2. What are you currently listening to?
Face Down by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

3 . Who took this survey before you?
Kuya Rodel

4.Who was the last person to send you a text message?
Someone [unknown] a number asking where my dorm is (?????)

5 . Last time you went swimming?
Last Summer pa with friends

6 . Are you happy?
i guess so. it depends on on my hormonal fluctuations.

7 . Where was the last place you went shopping?
SM Clark

8. Where did u go today?
the undying pattern of school-dorm-school-dorm and so on..

9 . Where do you live?
Pampanga

10. Last thing you ate?
[Quickly] (brand) Taro-Coffee Ice

11.Want to kick anyone's @ss?
'course.

12. What time is it?
7:00 something P.M.

13. Do you have any expensive jewelry?
expensive..??..err..i'm not a jewelry person. a wrist watch is about the closest thing for me.

14 . YM or MSN?
YM

16. How many hours on average do you work a week?
30 to 35.

17 . Who do you like right now?
uhh..... myself i guess.

18. Do you watch the Olympics?
Not avidly, but yes. I'm an all-aspect-Pinoy supporter.

19. Last restaurant you went to?
resto? hmm.. pizza hut? does that count? well. KFC was the last fast food chain i've been to.

21 . Who was the last person to call you?
My mom

22. What's your zodiac sign?
Aries

25 . Where do you spend most of your money?
1. gifts for family/friends (birthdays, holidays, etc.)
2. books.

26 . Where does most of your family live?
Pampanga

27 . Are you an only child or do you have siblings?
1 younger sister

28. Ever been called a h0e/$lut?
once in high school. and it was totally uncalled for.

29 . Ever been called a b!tch?
if that would make me feel better, well, no, i haven't.

33. Did you ever collect Beanie Babies?
No

34. Collect anything?
books

35 . Myspace or Facebook?
neither. at least at the moment. (who knows.)

41.Last time you saw your parents?
January 19, Saturday. 6:30 A.M.

43. Ever been to a wedding?
'course.

44 . Where is your celphone?
beside me

45. are you wearing glasses now?
yeah

46. Are you missing anyone at the moment?
yeah

47. Did you take a nap today?
no

48. How many hours of sleep did you get last night
5 and a half

56. Do you support the troops?
hmm.. i'll think about that more critically. but generally, yes i do.

57. Could you handle being in the military?
NO way. duh. love stories end there.

58. Are you hungry or thirsty?
hungry

59. Favorite fast food restaurant?
eew. i hate [place emphasis here] fast food

62. Do you own a camera phone?
yeah

63. Ever had to take a sobriety test?
no

68. Do you have a photo hosting site that you use?
no

69. Last place you were at besides anywhere in your house?
school

70. What is your current wish?
to graduate from f****** nursing and be done with it

71. wheres you grandparents?
three at respective homes, my favorite Papang in heaven

74. Where do you wish you were right now?
music school

75 . Do you have any regrets?
any is a poor choice of word. i have a million regrets and i hate it because:

i can't do anything about them
i can't think of all of them in one sitting

77. what are u wearing?
secret.

78. fave jewelry?
shoe laces

79. talent?
writing. guitar-playing. a small bit on drawing.

80. does someone hate you?
how should i know?

81. Favorite place to be?
my dorm room

82 . Favorite sit down restaurant?
my mom's kitchen

83. Ever been to Disney Land/World?
nah

86. How is the weather today?
i wasn't looking. okay lang siguro.

87. Do you e-mail?
yeah

88. Last mail you received besides junk or a bill?
forwarded message about uhh.. world peace.

89. Do you like sexy girls?
that's an unnecessary and freaky question to ask me. but i'd like to be sexy. someday. haha

90. Are you dating someone right now?
i hope i am

012108

nosocomial infections and hometown country girls.

2008-01-20T19:28:00.000+08:00

Just like any movie, no story remains static, and no life remains carefree.

Her name is Justine.

Being a young girl, she had everything all that kids her age did: a life whose problems never outgrew anything over cartoons and butterflies and candy-coated treats over the rainbows. Nothing seemed wrong, and it would have been delightful, had it not been to nature’s prowess.

As she grew up into a fine, young lady, the cannonballs of life were thrown at her: one by one, slowly melting her away until none would be left. But if she’d allow this, no one really knows.

Insecurities paved the way to her greatest egoistic mis-tendencies. Continuously comparing herself with the crowd around her, she began to find art in feeling inferior to others, every now and then seeing that she’s not good enough for anyone but herself. A feeling she very well pampered up until the greatest test of maturity knocked on her face: High school. For most of human beings, high school is at extreme levels---either it’s the best or it’s the worst moment in your lifetime; and as normalcy dawned on her, it turned out that it was, for her, the worst. It must’ve been peer pressure and those tiny evil things lurking around, offering temptation to be a bad girl, which made her the way she was at the time. Cutting class every now and then, just like how you’d treat a hobby, she let loose on her academics, not minding much matter towards studies. She was a teenager, after all. But there will always be at least one hindrance to letting her continue this free-as-a-bird way of life. Those elderly people who keep us bound to restrictions and rules and rules and rules, and, oh, had I mentioned? More rules. Society calls them parents, and too bad for her late-night gimmicks, she had two of them.

Just like arteries clogged with unnecessary cholesterol, her parents interfered with her life and had gotten her transferred to another school the year she turned a junior. As if under quality control check, Justine did as expected and became a good girl by focusing on her schooling. She took this, though with a slightly heavy heart because of being taken away from her friends and former school, as a chance to prove her parents’ wrong notion of her capabilities as a student obsolete. And so successfully she did.

When she thought familial demands were enough, life tells her no. After putting trust on the shoulder of someone she thought was a real friend, Justine was yet to experience the biggest joke of her life. Like an antagonist in an animated film, the fake friend swooped up on her and talked behind her back, revealing their supposedly-secrets. The bitch wreaked havoc over the school population and everyone refused to go over Justine’s side of the fence. Nobody talked to her, accompanied her, nor empathized with the turn-out of the situation. She was all alone when she wasn’t the one who wanted to.

Then, senior year came: a dread, a threat, a conflict, a challenge, a dilemma, and a chance to acquire freedom from the ties that bind any girl from her parents. Other than the many talks about graduation and the up and coming college life, this point of time was a rebound for her. Soon enough, the whole universe conspired and fate did its thing, in the end freeing Justine from the judgmental looks of other people on her. The “fake friend” was later not believed by people anymore, as she turned out to be a lie factory to almost everybody else. As a result, people now believed in Justine, and all was well with her life. Aside from regaining trust, she also got some huge bonus to go with the package, a good old boyfriend. Ah, heaven, eh?

Finally able to focus on the yet to come, she found herself discussing with her parents which path to take in College. If asked, she would love HRM or Tourism programs—for herself, that is. Her parents, more dominantly her mother, let her so with these.

Until later that year, at least. Her mother was then out abroad, and one time she called, adding Nursing to the list of her course options. Actually, “forced” would be a better choice of word. Justine is the epitome of the current condition of most college students in the Philippines: that I-want-this-but-I’m-doing-that-instead-for-my-parents scene we all know. It’s a cliché and she is just going to so participate.

As if providing her with consolation, she got to study in Angeles City, where her boyfriend [since high school] also lives. Unknown to most people who view Nursing as a money-making method of sorts, Justine had to go through the painstaking moments of endless lectures and mastering facts, finding support only in her boyfriend and siblings.

Comparing the incomparable high school to college life, she now has no permanent friends. Well, yes, she has companions—but nobody to be there for her any time, no one to be there when she needs one. But she makes no big fuss over it. It will pass, for sure.

Though not a hundred and two percent confident about her scholastic status in the Nursing field, Justine does hope to make it through, even if just enough for her to experience hospital duty and to get capped soon. Being an open-minded and flexible folk, she puts a firm stand on her goal: to someday travel around (though not literally) the world, preferably with her mother. She eyes this goal unsure of the way of achieving it---be it by being a nurse or by being any other type of a working person (in any pessimistic manner of not making it through as a nursing student).

She also wants to have her own family in the future and shares her interest in being happy someday.

byshareeannnarciso

Based on the life events of Justine Pamintuan

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

grouped by two's, we were asked to write about each other's lives.

scarcity and extinction.

2008-01-15T21:44:00.000+08:00

HINDI NA TAMA ang nangyayari sa mundo. Nagkakaubusan na. May shortage. Mataas ang demand , kokonti ang supply .

Dahilan kung bakit madaming nasisirang pagsasama. Dahilan kung bakit maraming pagsasama ang hindi nabubuo----ever.

Pangyayaring walang makapagpaliwanag.

Kahit ako e nababadtrip na madalas, masyado nang maraming babaeng nalulungkot at naiiyak.
Hindi na patas ang laban. Sa'n ba kasi sila nagpunta?

.....

Sa'n pa kundi sa kapwa nila.

....

......

...

..

.

HUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHU!!!!!!!!!!!!

(UM..)

'Wag nyong isiping anti-homo ako ha. Hindi naman ako ganun ka-tradisyunal, kahit pa manang na manang na ang feel ko lately sa'king buhay. Marami akong kaibigang bading at oo, masaya silang kasama. Pero............

Sana naman noh. Wag madamot. Nakuu.. Para fair naman. Magtira kayo. Baka pagdating ngpanahon manganib ang human race at mapilitan na lang mag-Assisted Reproduction ang lahat ng tao.

shareenarciso011508:nagdadasal.nananawagan.sa.sanlibutan.

of sheets, covers, and everything else in between.

2008-01-14T21:46:00.000+08:00

up that ceiling

of the old and the used

the battered flow of sensations

a circle at center,

held up high

held up forever

barred with bars like prison waves

the bottom is dark and painful;

elbows are screaming with pain and suffering

oh, a plight of deed and tears,

like a journey to and back..

for the nights are always misgiving.

................................
shareenarciso011408.
................................

A Review On: Bahay Kubo

2008-01-13T01:47:00.001+08:00

Subtitled "A Pinoy Mano Po", Joel Lamangan shares the first of his two MMFF entries when he directed Bahay Kubo. With a handful of his mixture of old and new actors, the casting makes the visible story of the unconventional family of seven children, six of which were "adopted" though not literally (some were left by real parents at the door step, some "handed over"). Veterans Gloria Romero and Maricel Soriano with Eugene Domingo and Eric Quizon star this drama.

The strongest points of this movie come in as its story and acting. Not much cinematography to boast of. Music was also used in minimum.

A notable performance would have to be Eugene Domingo's** rendition of Maricel's best friend and second guardian to the seven siblings. She tells the whole country what comedy means. With or without her killer one-liners and punches, one look from her is enough to make you weak with laughter. Her role as a loony aunt and friend emphasizes her comic character even more.

It must be the experience, or it must be pure talent. Whatever the source, Maricel* shows her timeless ability to make a story into a movie. The moments where she wanted you to laugh, you'd laugh. When she wanted you to cry, a tear jerks right out, on the spot. A great actress indeed (I loved her acting in 2007's "A Love Story").

Once awarded Best Child Actor from the film Magnifico and recently starring in the indie film Tambolista, now young teenager Jiro Manio did not disappoint my expectations from him. With no doubt nor hold-backs, I believe that he is the most talented actor of the seven children casted. His character was easily related to, a transition of puberty to necessity-forced maturity: from the Lola's boy to the brother who protects his sisters, Jiro did all but blow this flick off. I just love that kid. I'm sure he'd become one of the Pinoy tomorrow's most talented.

Yasmien Kurdi and Eric Quizon? One word for both: Okay.

...

Okay... Okay... I'm too mean.
I'll change my one word to "Good" instead. Happy?

Marian Rivera and Shaina Magdayao weren't best actress stuff in this piece, but they were pretty successful in conveying the picture of two elder sisters: one jealous of the attention the other effortlessly receives, and one just being a responsible daughter. At least their characters got together in peace after all the shouting, sabunutan and sampalan. (loved those parts. in reverse order as how stated.)

Applause is given for Lamangan's efforts in showcasing the Filipino ways of life, as in how Gloria had a 'favorite' grandchild, to the close family ties which prevail in the end. Also appreciated are his takes on reality: that people, granted opportunities to be bearers of greater wealth, can change, and that mothers have the most special kind of love ever.

The first parts were undeniably enjoyable to watch. It was just obvious (?) that as the movie neared its ending, the pace of the story was progressing a bit faster than necessary. They could have sped the start a bit up so that the ending could appear better, less jam-packed-up.

*Maricel Soriano won Best Actress
**Eugene Domingo was hailed Best Supporting Actress
(both successfully won over their respective awards from last year's winners Judy Ann Santos and Gina Pareno, an accomplishment considering the fact that the two latter star in fellow-MMFF entry this year, SSS, sequel to KKK of MMFF last year where they won these awards.)

P.S..:
to ANY one who has watched the film, if able, kindly explain the most-end part (the uhh, production-dance-and-song-number part). Why was it there? Is its existence necessary? Does it imply a meaning which I am duly incapable of understanding? Or were there excess fundings on set that they decided to add that scene to launder the money?

P.P.S..:
For the super cool script and its minor flaws, Bahay Kubo is a four for me.
**claps Lamangan and the outstanding actors**

A Review on: Desperadas

2008-01-13T00:37:00.000+08:00

Joel Lamangan's bet for the second batch of movies for the MMFF, Desperadas (All They Need Is Love) defines modern Pinoy comedy soon as it was aired on January 1, 2008. Positive vibes for the new year, definitely.

Casting today's most beautiful Pinay actresses, Calzado, Gutierrez, Quinto, and Rivera, the movie is set to showcase the Filipina in her different facets--in this movie, at least four of them.

A simple plot of four half-sisters where each is having her own problems transforms into a complex story when some of the sisters find conflicts between themselves. More than the drama, the moral stays with the family-centered-support-and-love ending.

Honestly, at least 90% of its audience will say the comedy is their reason for watching the film. Natural comedienne Rufa Mae Quinto shows her classic antics in Desperadas, bringing in high energy into the setting. A thing (or two) to look forward to, which I anticipated, was the transition of Iza and Marian to their roles here, as compared from their usual dramatic and serious roles. The poise remained with the ladies though in the midst of their rather uncalled-for roles. On a personal note, Gutierrez was a bit her natural self (my opinion guys. don't kill me, fans) all throughout. If asked to choose three characters to leave and save, Gutierrez would not be any of my picks. I don't know. Maybe she should stick to beauty pageants and TV shows. (to be fair, IF judged without prejudice, she was not bad in acting) I'm just irritated by her. Stop asking why.

Rivera was in her element. Whoever thought Marimar could be such a flirty soul? Her comic appearance came in as both a surprise and a treat to the viewers. At least to me, it did.

Calzado is still her superb actress-self, never disappointing, she seems to be effortless in trance whatever her role is. A favorite of mine, Iza is the true picture of FILIPINA beauty.

Model Will Devaughn also gets introduced in what I believe is his first big screen exposure. Sure, people say he looks good and he is blah blah, but his acting just didn't match up to the movie's standards. Keep on modeling, Will. Who knows, I might even appreciate you then.

I used to see TJ Trinidad as an 'okay' actor, but he was uhh.. a bit "more than" okay in this movie, regarding his acting. Smiles would also go out to Wendel Ramos. Smiles and sincerely given claps for Luis Alandi. Smiles, claps, and good luck wishes to Jay-R who composed AND performed 80% of the film's soundtrack songs. Hmm. Talk about a 'booming' ***coughs*** career. Oh, and he was in the movie too! Akalain mo nga naman.

It is apparent that to make the people laugh out was the main purpose and focus of the story. And pretty successful at that, actually, though not advisable in a hundred percent for kids to watch without parental consent because of the widespread use of adult and lusty humor.

Desperadas is the most gender sensitive film for all MMFF entries.

P.S. I loved Chi-chi.
This is a four. Bravos.

A Review on: National Treasure 2 (Book of Secrets)

2008-01-12T22:54:00.000+08:00

I wasn't really supposed to watch this film, as I officially am on an on-budget week. The real purpose of my mall "visit" was only to buy a something for a friend. But upon entrance, the whole mall was pumping with music produced by a local girl group (ah the imitators of foreign groups. they never stop coming.) whose name is drawn after something resulting from the mix of chocolate and coffee, performing songs un-originally theirs, wearing almost nothing (main reason why men were watching intently on their 'performance'). So I had preferred to shut myself from the pains of that world and indulge in the 'silence' of movie houses.

And what do you know? Book of Secrets is showing on. Fate is very kind indeed.

********************************
The Review:
(sorry for the intro. i was just THAT affected by the performance seen.)

Director Jon Turtletaub co-produced this with the famous Jerry Bruckheimer, and casted a powerhouse, Nicolas Cage, Jon Voight and Diane Krueger. That alone could be enough reason for a movie-goer to watch the film.

Going deeper, the cinematography was, well, stunning (THAT IS if stunning is the only word to describe something beyond words). I especially loved, though myself not a fan of adventure flicks, the part where Gates (Cage) and company were inside the City of Gold. The set was impossibly beautiful. I couldn't find much of a flaw (yes I was looking for one), the score, though not exemplary, complemented the effect of the visuals, creating a real cinematic effect. One that leaves a theatric impression----that I felt lost in the movie despite the babies wailing seated beside me. The acting was good, too. For veteran actors, totally not a question.

The storyline has surpassed the usual
tomb-raider-slash-treasure-hunting-slash-i'm-going-through-a-million-
booby-traps-slash-james-bond-gadgets-and-car-chase-scenes.
The excellent twists and uniqueness of every scene are concrete proof of the great deal of thought and effort woven together by the brains behind the movie. What I particularly appreciated was the in-depth research (although I am not American nor live in the USA) I felt was done to make the film possible. From the resolute twin desks of Queen Victoria: in the Buckingham Palace and in the uh, White House, to the three Statues of Liberty, one in Paris near the Eiffel, to the Mount Rushmore and the add-on that the mountain was a mere cover-up to save the existence of the City of Gold blah blah blah. I mean, the minds to think of that are pure brilliance. Who would ever think of that? Add to that the Book of Secrets in the Library of Congress. A complete fan of puzzles-in-movies, I loved the parts where they cracked codes and demystified their way out up until the very end of the story. The way they used historical basis to come up with a fictional story has been very appealing.

This is superbly entertaining--and I am extracting the very meaning of the word, down to every letter. I am now on a mission to buy a ticket abroad and stalk Turtletaub and Bruckheimer to personally say my Bravos. God, I love their work.

Another plus point, it had its extreme, rib scratching funny moments. The create-a-scene at the Buckingham Palace, the Riley parts, and the cat and dog fight of Ben Gates' parents are my favorite laughs.

At first, I thought this was just 'another' big production, a sequel to a priorly famous movie. Then thoughts are thoughts, and you have to see it still.

**A few what-nots:
Some scenes in the trailer seem to be un-included in the movie per se. Most apparent missing scenes are:
1. when Riley said the death-and-despair line while looking below at the skeletons.
2. The US President's "you are now number one in the most wanted list of the CIA, FBI.." line.

But then it could just be me dozing off in the middle of watching.
Yet I was drinking coffee whilst watching, so cross that out. Maybe they deleted the scenes. Can't wait for the DVD, maybe the cut scenes would be there.

What more can I say? A very big success for Disney.

This is a must-watch.
This movie is a need. Not a want. Watch it for your own good. Watch it to survive.
If there are five stars to rate it, I'm still giving it a nine point nine.

kaarawan.

2008-01-10T00:17:00.000+08:00

TUMATANDA NA KAMI. parang kelan lang, buong tapang akong kinakabahan habang pansamantalang 'di na inisip ang sermon na dadatnan pag-uwi ko sa bahay, makatambay lang kasama ng barkada sa kadiliman ng plaza.

araw-araw nagrereklamo ako, ang bagal ng oras. lalo na pag nasa klasrum ako't naiinip sa klase. mabagal? sampal na naman. tignan mo ngayon. halos lahat kame 'legal age' na. pwede na manood ng bold. bumili ng yosi, ng alak. pwede nang tumoma't magsayaw sa saliw ng maaalindog na tugtugin sa mga club at bar sa Malate. wala nang inaalintana. pwede na ngang magpakasal kahit wala nang kunsinte ng magulang e. marami nang pwede. kokonti na lang ang bawal.

nakakapanibago. nakakamis din kase 'yung gumagawa ng kalokohan na merong thrill dahil menor de edad pa kami. mas masarap yung patagong gumagawa ng kabalastugan, may takot na mahuli.. ng titser, ng magulang, ng kaklaseng magsusumbong samen sa prefect of discipline dahil inggit sya kase wala syang social life di tulad namen. may takot na mapagalitan, mapahiya sa pamilya. nakakamis yung pagyayabang namen kapag nakapasok kame sa R-18 na pelikula sa sinehan nang dire-diretso, kahit pa sa totoo e kinukumbulsyon na sa kaba ang dibdib namen. YUN. yun ang masaya.

nakakamis yung mga panahong wala kaming ginagawa. ang pinoproblema namen e kung pano magpaalam sa magulang para makanuod ng concert ng sinung banda, o kaya mapayagang mag-overnight sa bahay ng kaibigan, o kaya payagang mag-mall this weekend. HA. kung alam lang namen kung gano ka-iba ang mga puprublemahin namen pagdating ng panahon, siguro mas niyakap namen yung mga panahong yun.

hindi naman sa kadurdur na talaga ang buhay-buhay ngayon, pero malaki ang pagkakaiba e. dati ang iniisip lang namen e yung malapit nang matamasang 'kalayaan' dala ng paparating na kolehiyo. wa kameng ginawa kundi magpagulong-gulong sa koridor at magpakyut, makipaglampungan, magmuni-muni at mapuno ng excitement sa magiging buhay namin pagkagraweyt ng college.

ang inisip lang kasi namen e yung pagtira malayo sa bahay, walang parents, walang rules. ang sarap nga naman kase. pwede ka kumain ng kahit anong gusto mo, kung kelan mo gusto. pwede maglagalag sa daan o maglakwatsya at umuwe kahit pag umaga na. wala ka nang iniintindi sa mundo kundi ang sarili mo. lalu na sa lagay ko dahil mag-isa lang ako sa inuupahan kong kwarto ngayon. heaven!

PERO hindi lang lahat tungkol dun. kung tutuusin, minor ek ek lang yung mga 'pribilehiyo' na nabanggit ko sa itaas. walang binatbat sa mga kapalit. mga responsibilidad na parang na-package deal na sa kolehiyo. walang nanay e, walang masarap na almusal. walang 'totoong' almusal. kapag nagutom ka, kelangan pang bumaba at bumili. sa bahay hindi ganun e. nakahapag na, lalamunin mo na lang. ang matindi talaga, dahil wala si inay, kelangan mong masanay sa alarm clock. kelangan mong matutunan ang 'skills' para matagumpay na magising sa tunog ng alarm, kasi walang gigising sa'yo. masaklap yan, lalu na kung tulad ko, na nasanay kang ginagawa lahat para sa'yo. pagkatapos e alas syete pa pasok mo. nakupo. groceries? matututo ka ding mag-budget, dahil weekly ang allowance. di tulad dati na pag nagkulangan ka e pwede kang kumupit o manghingi kay itay. ngayon, wala. gipit kung gipit. prublema mo na yun. matututo ka ring mahiwalay sa totoong mundo. wala kasi akong TV dito e. pag umuuwi ako pag bakasyon o weekends e nabibigla na lang ako sa mga balitang nagaganap na pala sa mundo. bombahan. awayan. gyera. buntisan. pagpapakalbo ni britney. mga chismis. sa mga bago at natapos nang palabas sa tv. mga bago at nadedong artista. mga bagong kanta. (grabe buti naka-internet ako kung hinde magiging social outcast na talaga ako.) matututo kang kumilatis ng tao. wala na kasing 'isusumbong kita sa mommy ko' drama sa college e. sarili mo na lang. makisama ka para mabuhay. o kaya e kayanin mo mag-isa. either way, mahirap. at kapag me projects? wala na si yaya para mautusang bumili ng gagamitin. sariling sikap na pare. dyan talaga ako nagdusa, lalu na nung first year pa lang. adjustment period, impyerno talaga. wala pang heater yung banyo kaya kung 7 AM ang pasok e nanginginig pakong naliligo sa nagyeyelong tubeg pag umaga. pumapasok din ang kahalagahan ng mga instant na bagay. mga bespren ng mga naka-dorm, instant noodles. 3 in 1 coffee. mga convenience store na sobrang mahal ng mga bilihin pero mas pipiliin na ng madami kesa bumyahe pa sa mga supermarket. effort!

at ngayong alas dose, isa na naman sa amin ang tatanda. isang taong dagdag sa kaalaman, sa karanasan, sa pananaw sa buhay. nagbabago ang mga numero, pero hindi ang mga tao. at least samin ganun. pumayat man o tumaba ang iilan samin, nagbago ng hair style, mula punkista naging emo, naging fashionista atbp. nadagdagan ang mga nakarelasyon at nakaaway, nadagdagan ang tumulong luha, tawang hinalakhak, salitang binitawan. tumaas ang grado ng mata, nagpa-brace ng ngipin ang iba. lumaki ang allowance, mas madami nang mga lugar na napuntahan, mga taong nakilala at naimpluwensyahan. mga bagay na nangyari. dating mga batang walang sinasanto't pinuprublema. ngayon nababalot na ng mga maskara, pilit kumikilos ayon sa edad, ayon sa hinihiling ng mundo at panahon. pilit pinapatunayan sa mapanghusgang mundo na matatanda na kami. nilulugar ang aming mga tuldok sa planeta, hinahalikan ang mga parating pa.

bata man o matanda, pumangit man o gumanda,
wala namang nagbago sa pagsasama.
dating barkada, kahit kelan, barkada.

happy bertdey bespren!
labyu. :D

shareenarciso011008:0000hrs.

zen sarcasm.

2008-01-09T21:32:00.000+08:00

THESE are GREAT Sayings:

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

nagpapasalamatsaStumbleUpon.shareenarciso010908.

sirang baga.

2008-01-08T21:47:00.000+08:00

WALANG NAKIKINIG kapag klase niya. kung meron man, ginagawa lang nila sa ngalan ng sarcastic na mga "ah, ganun ba sir?" "oo nga.." na nakakairita sa tenga lalu na kung nag-iisa ka lang sa buong klase niyo na nag-aabsorb ng sinasabi ng guro.

hindi ko naman kasi masisi ang mga klasmeyt ko. hindi kasi 'yung ideal teacher yung professor namen sa CFE (christian formation education). 'di tulad nun mga clinical instructor namen, hindi siya bata. may asawa't anak na, hindi mestizo, hindi din matangkad. nangingitim na ang mga labi dahil sa kakahithit ng yosi (dahilan ng araw-araw na pagpasok niya ng late sa klase namen), at ang hairstyle e nasa pagitan ng panahong hindi ko na dinatnan at ng 1970s. hindi naman sa panget siya, pero alam niyu na ang punto ko.

aaminin ko, nung last year (hindi pa niya ako estudyante nun) e nakikita ko na siyang pakalat-kalat at nahuhusgahan ko na siya dahil sa "dating" niya. lalo na bawat makikita ko siyang may ID at naka-uniporme habang humihithit ng boga sa uhm, tabi ng gate ng skul namen. para siyang monster. tapos nalaman kong CFE pa ang tinuturo niya! omaygad sabi ko. tinanim ko pa nun sa puso't kaluluwa ko na AYAW ko siya.

minsan sa philosophy of man yata yun, first year, umabsent yung matinik naming prof at siya ang nag-proxy, tumitirik ang aking mga mata at halos mag-melt yung relos ko kakatitig kung hindi pa dismissal. ewan ko, para kasi siyang kontra bida sa telenobela na umaapi sa mabubuting batang gaya ko.. kaya ganun na lang ang uh, pagka-MUHI ko sakanya kahit wala naman siyang ginagawang masama saken.

my bad. isa 'to sa negatib na traits ko na parang innate na saken. judgmental ako--SOLID! pangako. tahi-tahimik man ako, naku, walang malay ang iba pinadidirihan ko na sila sa naglalaro kong utak. pero ilang beses na ding pumalya ang paghusga kong gan'to.

(na ang basehan kadalasan e maling grammar, lakas ng boses kapag nakikipag-usap, ugali kapag me titser na nagdidiscuss, o kaya, kung nursing ka at pang-HRM ang porma mo, e...tsk tsk, biktima ka na ng malupit kong pag-iisip.)

ayon sa pagkakatanda ko, dalawang beses nang pumalya na big time ang paghuhusga ko. 'yung una e sa isa kong klasmeyt nung first year hayskul. inaapi kasi niya yung seatmate ko. nainis ako, pinagtanggol si seatmate at sinabihan si masamang klasmeyt ng ang sama ng ugali mo! at makalipas ang mga isang linggo or so, wala akong kaalam-alam na yun na ang simula ng samahan namen ng bespren ko (hanggang sa panahong to).

ang pangalawang pag-mintis ng aking judgment e narealize ko disyembre, taong 2007. realization na nasegunduhan kaninang umaga.

ayoko talagang maniwala nang marinig kong duktor na siya, may PhD ba. hindi talaga niya bagay e, pramis. pero totoo daw. siya na rin e sinabi na niya. at ayoko ring (dati) makinig sa diskusyon niya sa klase dahil pakiramdam ko e magiging masama akong tao afterwards. at akalain mong hindi pala nang-gu-gudtaym lang yung nagsabing don't judge the book by its cover!! i never knew. may sense siya--yung guro ko. kahit ganun yun.. kahit na ilang araw na ang nabawas sa lifespan niya dahil sa kaka-boga at kahit hindi siya kasing gwapo ng mga CI namen.. nakinig ako sa mga sinabi niya. ang iba e isinulat ko sa notebook, pero karamihan, sa puso ko. (naks)

kapag kase cfe, hindi mo naman kelangan talagang makinig e. pakitang tao lang talaga. kase wala naman talagang mga quiz. kung meron mang activities e syempre basta't moral at "tama" sa paningin ng Kristiyano e perpek ka na. kapag major exams naman, multiple choice at pipiliin mo lang sa apat kung alin ang dapat isagot ng isang mabait na bata. perpek ka na ulet. parang echos lang siya, kase nga Catholic University kame e. kelangan lang. pampadagdag ng units sa GE subjects, siguro nga.

pag oras na ng cfe, wala naman talaga sa amen ang nag-eexpect o umaasa man lang na pagkatapos ng isa't kalahating oras e may madagdagan sa tambakan ng kaalaman namen. pampalipas oras. rest period. time para magrebyu kung may exam sa ibang subject, time pang-gawa ng assignment. oras para kumain. last sem nga kumakaen ako ng mane (peanuts) e naghingi pa yung teacher ko. sarap nga ng nguya niya e. ah oo, oras din para mag-send ng mga GM sa mga kaklase. mga text message na nagsasabing nakakainip, nakakaantok. minsan naman pinagtitripan yung titser. alam ng mga cfe teachers yan. matagal-tagal na sigurong nangyayari, tanggap na, tradisyon na. isang katotohanang hinahayaan na lang dahil wala namang pwedeng gawin para piliting maging interesado ang mga mag-aaral sa mga lesson tungkol sa mga bagay na matagal na nameng alam.

pero minsan kase sumosobra na. kahit ako inaantok din pag minsan. pero isa sa mga kinagagalit ko e yung kawalan na ng respeto sa mga gurong nagdadadakdak sa harapan. patuloy na nagkukuwentuhan na para bang isang kilometro ang layo mula sa isa't isa sa ingay. badtrip kaya yun. sa kanila kaya gawin yun. mahalaga saken yung nirerespeto yung guro. kahit pa mabait sila, o kahit hindi nila deserve. basta. iba talaga yun e.

balik sa unang topic--akala ko mababaw lang talaga yung teacher ko. at naiinis ako ngayon kase nagpapadala ako sa mga akala.

akala ko isang typical day na naman. akala ko magdodrowing na naman ako ng mga taong may sungay at pakpak sa dagat habang magsasalita lang ulet yung guro. kaso hinde.

nurmal lang yung boses na gamit niya, tulad lang ng boses niya dati pa: yung nakakaantok at walang kakwenta-kwentang boses na yun. wala rin syang bagong pakulo. itim pa rin ang labi niya, ganun pa rin ang suot. dated pa rin ang hair style, siya pa rin yun.

ako siguro yung may tama. paano kung dati pa talaga e me sense na talaga mga sinasabi niya at namamaskara lang yun ng mga prejudice kong mabababaw sa kanya?

a basta. di ko siya mahal pero para saken isa na siya sa mga iilang titser ko na diko malilimutan. (tenenenenenenen....)

siya ang nagturo sakin na there's no such thing as loving one more than oneself. na ang Legacy ng tao ang pinakamalaking katibayan ng success mo sa buhay--kahit pa patay ka na't bulok. na walang kwenta ang limpak na limpak na perang kinita kung para sa sarili lang. na mahalaga ang pamilya. na ang trabaho at bokasyon [dapat] e iisa lamang. na sa pamamagitan ng mathematical pormula e mapapatunayan natin ang kahalagahan ng hanga sa Diyos:

if:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is equal to:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26,

then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
is: 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
is: 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

but..

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
is: 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

pero eto talaga:

L-O-V-E-O-F-G-O-D
is: 12+15+22+5+15+6+7+15+4 = 101%
this one's the exemption na there is no love more than oneself.

hindi po ako exactly religious. pero naniniwala naman ako sa Diyos.

may mga bagay lang kasi siyang nababanggit, na pagkatapos e nakikita ko sarili kong nagiisip ng ay, oo nga noh?

kaya kahit tatlong buwan ko pang tiisin ang ingay at kawalanghiyaan ng mga kaklase ko, makikinig pa rin ako sa kanya. kahit malamang bugbog sarado na yung mga lungs mo Dr. Serrano, saludo ho ako sa'nyo. makakaasa kayong sa section niyo tuwing 12:30-2:00, TTh (kahit ala una na kayo talaga pumapasok) may isang estudyanteng nakiking sa mga sinasabi niyo. at hindi lang pakitang-tao o kaplastikan para sa mataas na grades. hindi lesson ang habol ko, kundi mga salitang maaaring makagawa ng pagbabago sa buhay ko. kahit na di ko kayo sinasaludo sa totoong buhay at kahit pa di niyo ko kilala,

ser, mabuhay kayo.

shareenarciso010808

smoke.

2008-01-07T20:48:00.000+08:00

unmisted fogs
and smothered hairdo
pastels coloring my face of blank
what eyes open?
i see no tomorrow
they above are thumping
the outside laughing
what glee!
mocking me
yes.. me.

uncovered and unsheathed
i bathe
basking in the rays of the sun tonight
indulging in the companion of the self
the darkness is laughing
mocking me

like threads and spins of wool
i am tangled, complicated
complicating the obscure and the unknown
but where to go?
what to do?
now that tomorrow is a yesterday
like days gone, days of love and woe
of love and woe

infront is the coming
yet i feel it not.
the winds are hot, shivers sent
up the spine
up and down again.
understanding was not served
marching through fields of blacks and blues and grays
shades of sadness and despair
wallowing..

hunches keep me alive
as the air is breathed in
air of disgust and emotion
filth and desperation mixed up in you
but who are you?

toes joining for battle
the clouds are set. whimper, my friend, i beg.
whimper for me.
for the break is broken
we need to meddle!
but we shall not.

and tonight is as gloomy as tomorrow
and tomorrow is no different than tonight.
for obscenity and uncertainty blend as one
when the fingers crawl up
and the heartbeat has begun.

shareenarciso010708

The Jjamppong Experience.

2007-12-18T04:36:00.000+08:00

Mahimbing akong natutulog kanina nang bigla akong nagising.

....

....

(okey--lame. tawa na, tawa na..)

Anyways.. pagising ko, sabi ko "Teka... Jjamppong.. gusto ko ng Jjampong!!"!!!!!

Sa tingin niyo? Oo nga noh? It must be..... Jjamppong.

[Niresearch ko pa at oo, dobol-J at dobol-P talaga ang spelling. Kapag nalaman ko ang rationale behind this e papaalam ko din senyo.]

Kaya wala nang tanung-tanong pa, nagwisik-wisik na'ko ng mukha at inayos ang sarili mula sa pagkakasubsob ng mukha sa keyboard na hindi namamalayan. Nagpalit ng damet para di naman masyadong kahiya-hiya ang dating. Dali-dali akong bumaba ng building at tinawid ang kalye, sa daan na nagtanggal ng muta at pinipitik-pitik ang tiyan para makasigurong gising na talaga ako at hindi lang yun sleepwalk. Pagpasok ko sa grocery store (dun ako agad sa bagong tayo kasi di pako nakapunta dun)----nakngneemtree oo!!
WALANG JJAMPPONG!! Ano ba yan. Magsara na kayo!!!!, bulong ko habang kinakalma ang sarili. Para di na rin nakakahiya sa mga cashier at guard (na pinapanuod ang bawat galaw ko) dahil parang ako lang ang pumasok ng kostomer nila for the past five hours e naghanap na lang akong junk food dahil mag-ahem-re-review din naman ako ngayong gabi. Ayun! Kuha agad ng dalawang V-Cut tapos lumabas na. Pero syempre nagbayad muna ko.

Sunod pumunta na'ko sa Mini Stop para sigurado na. Nakahiyaan ko pang pumasok nung una dahil medyo epitome ng damit-pambahay ang suot ko at paulit-ulit kong kinukumbinse ang sarili ko habang papasok sa pinto neto na kostomer ka kostomer ka.. Hayun!!!!! Tila may mga kumantang birds kahit na alas syete ng gabi, nagningning ang mga letrang nakaukit sa harap ng maliit na lalagyan. Parang lahat ng tao e naka-smile na sakin. Nabuksan ang langit. Isang himala. Sa mga panahong 'yon alam ko na lang-----oo Sharee, tama ang desisyon mo. Kuha ako agad ng tatlo dahil masiba ako hahahahahahaha. Pagkabayad ko e palundag-lundag akong bumalik sa kwarto ko, parang yung mga batang babae sa mga cartoons. Nagha-hum pa'ko at napapa-smile dahil naririnig ko ang bilis ng tibok ng aking puso't pulso. O eto na! Euphoria!!

Ang Jjamppong na siguro ang isa sa makapangyarihang ilusyong nilikha ng human beings dahil nagawa nitong itakwil ko ang mga paalala ng mama ko. Kahit na papel ang lalagyan, diniretso ko na sa microwave para mabilis. At oo, dahil nga nag-conspire ang Universe para sa moment na 'to, hindi po nasunog ang kwarto ko at walang pumutok na oven.

Ngayon--the verdict. Kinakabahan ako dahil first time ko 'tong titikman. It's a matter of life and death. Bago ako dumating sa puntong ito ng buhay ko e madami muna akong kinonsulta. Mga kaibigan, kaklase, dating kaklase, mga nakakalaro sa badminton court, mga nakakasalubong sa daan na may biniling Jjamppong.. mga tindera ng Jjamppong.. lahat lahat na. At kahit na alam ko sa sarili kong kahit 9 out of 10 e magsabing lasang instant noodles lang syang tinaktakan mo ng pakete ng chili powder na kulay orange (which is how it really is naman pero ikinagalit ko--how dare they!!) e wala nang makakapigil sa kabig ng dibdib ko.. Born curiosity na nga siguro ito. Kung hindi man, baka isa na'ko sa marami-raming naloko nung may speech disorder sa komersyal ng Jjamppong.

Me trivia ako sa mga hindi pa nakakakain neto. Alam nyu bang ang tamang pronunciation ng Jjamppong ay "Zham-fong"? Oo. Hindi po bulol yung lalake sa commercial. Turns out e tama pa pala ang lokong yun. Hahaha. **end of trivia**

Natuwa ako nung buksan ko 'yung package e. Merong maliit na tinidor, at base sa hula ko, e i'm supposed to use it sa pagkain ng Jjamppong [Zham-fong].. na siya ko naman sanang balak ding gawin kundi lang ako naghahabol ng oras dahil marami pakong pangarap sa buhay at ni isa e wala pa namang natutupad. Pero para magpakita ng respeto sa mga matatalinong utak sa likod ng phenomenong Jjamppong [Zham-fong] e sumubo ako ng isa gamit ang tinidor na nakapaloob. Hehe. Para fair.

Eto na talaga pramis. So.. bale..

ANG ANGHANG NIYA!!

WOOOOOOOOHHHH inaykupo. Lalu na saken dahil kung singaw akong nilalang, ang Bicol na siguro ang last resort ng Panginoon kung saan ako pede manggaling. Ang hina ko sa anghang pangako mga tsong.. Solid to, sabi ko. Tapos napa-smile ako ulet, dahil naalala ko, Magaling nga pala akong bata (sampal!!) dahil bumili ako ng V-Cut. Buti na lang bumili ako ng V-Cut!! Nilaklak ko na agad ang V-Cut. para maibsan ang anghang. Buti na lang talaga.. hahahaha.. pero kung walang V-Cut. e medyo ahh.. sagilid tayo dyan boss. PERO----aha!! Hahahaha dahil magaling ako (sampal!!) e natuklasan ko ang isang technique para hindi gaanong maramdaman ang init ng Jjamppong [Zham-fong]. Dapat e sunod-sunod, blow by blow, in rapid succession, tuloy-tuloy ang paglamon mo neto. Pramis di ko nun naramdaman yung spicy ek-ek nya. Pero.....................

Wala na.. Ubos na .. Huhuhuhuhu..

Pero oke lang, oke lang naman yun dahil

may dal'wa pa'ko. O ha? O ha? Hahahahaha!!!!!

Gagawan ko sana ng rebyu ang Jjampppong kaso di ako culinary enthusiast.. At kung oo man, e wala naman masyadong gumagawa ng studies sa instant noodles di ba. Kaya siguro ipapakita ko na lang ang isang malaking katotohanang naghahari sa earth: ang advertising chuva na never pang naging honest sa taumbayan.

SA PACKAGING AT COMMERCIAL:

SA TUNAY NA BUHAY:

oo, instant noodles ang Jjamppong [Zham-fong]..

ITSURA KO BAGO ANG JJAMPPONG [Zham-fong] EXPERIENCE:

AFTER THE JJAMPPONG [Zham-fong] EXPERIENCE:

inner peace, man!!

................

....

..

It must be.. Jjamppong [Zham-fong].

shareenarciso121807:nasobrahanATAngJjamppong[Zham-fong]

i think i found the answer.

2007-12-16T20:37:00.000+08:00

if this statement is true, then allow me the luxury of sleeping sound tonight. without doubt and without fear. god bless the author of this.

Girls are like
apples on trees. The best
ones are at the top of the tree.
The boys don't want to reach for
the good ones because they are afraid
of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they
just get the rotten apples from the ground
that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples
at the top think something is wrong with
them, when in reality, they're amazing.
They just have to wait for the right
boy to come along, the one
who's brave enough
to climb
all the way
to the top
of the tree.

borrowed from megan

********
shareenarciso121607

hollywood writers on strike.

2007-12-15T21:23:00.001+08:00

UPDATED Strike Chart: How Long Before Your Shows Go Dark?

Hugh Laurie by Adam Taylor/Fox; Heroes by Chris Haston/NBC; T.R. Knight by Scott Garfield/ABC

[UPDATED 12/14/07]

There seems to be little doubt that the writers' strike will result in a shorter TV season, but just how short are we talking? Well, as you might've guessed, it varies from show to show. Those programs that are either highly efficient (Friday Night Lights) or have entered the season with a backlog of episodes (Men in Trees, Law & Order: SVU) will be in originals well into the new year. But series with tighter production schedules (i.e., nearly every half-hour comedy) will go dark almost immediately. Of course, figuring out how many episodes remain in your favorite shows' arsenals requires a lot of numbers crunching — and as I've come to learn, the only thing you Ausholes despise more than a Wednesday without AA is mathematics. With that in mind, I pulled together this incredibly handy (and 85 percent complete) cheat sheet. Keep in mind: The information below is subject to change, particularly if both sides get back to the bargaining table and resolve this frakkin' thing! (For ongoing WGA strike coverage, read TVGuide.com's Strike Watch blog.)

30 Rock: Ten episodes will be produced. Nine episodes have aired, so there is one left.

Aliens in America: Seventeen episodes will be produced. Ten episodes have aired, so there are seven left.

Back to You: Nine episodes will be produced. Seven episodes have aired, so there are two left.

The Big Bang Theory: Eight episodes were produced. Eight episodes have aired, so there are zero left.

Bionic Woman: Eight episodes will be produced. Eight episodes have aired, so there is zero left.

Bones: Twelve episodes will be produced. Nine episodes have aired, so there are three left.

Boston Legal: Fourteen episodes will be produced. Nine episodes have aired, so there are five left.

Brothers & Sisters: Twelve episodes will be produced. Nine episodes have aired, so there are three left.

Carpoolers: Thirteen episodes will be produced. Six episodes have aired, so there are seven left.

Cavemen: Thirteen episodes will be produced. Six episodes have aired, so there are seven left.

Chuck: Thirteen episodes will be produced. Eleven episodes have aired, so there are two left.

Criminal Minds: Roughly twelve episodes will be produced. Eleven episodes have aired, so there is roughly one left.

CSI: Eleven episodes will be produced. Nine episodes have aired, so there are two left.

CSI: NY: Fourteen episodes will be produced. Eleven episodes have aired, so there are three left.

Desperate Housewives: Ten episodes will be produced. Nine episodes have aired, so there is one left.

Dirty Sexy Money: Thirteen episodes will be produced. Ten episodes have aired, so there are three left.

ER: Thirteen episodes will be produced. Nine episodes have aired, so there are four left.

Friday Night Lights: Fifteen episodes will be produced. Nine episodes have aired, so there are six left.

Gossip Girl: Thirteen episodes will be produced. Ten episodes have aired, so there are three left.

Greek: Eight new episodes will be produced. None have aired yet, so there are eight left.

Grey's Anatomy: Eleven episodes will be produced. Ten episodes have aired, so there is one left.

Heroes: Eleven episodes will be produced. Eleven episodes have aired, so there is zero left.

House: Twelve episodes will be produced. Nine episodes have aired, so there are three left.

How I Met Your Mother: Eleven episodes will be produced. Eleven episodes have aired, so there are zero left.

Jericho: Seven episodes will be produced. None have aired yet, so there are seven episodes left.

Las Vegas: Nineteen episodes will be produced. Eleven have aired, so there are eight left.

Law & Order: SVU: Fourteen episodes will be produced. Ten episodes have aired, so there are four left.

Life is Wild: Twelve episodes will be produced. Nine episodes have aired, so there are three left.

Lost: Eight episodes will be produced. None have aired yet, so there are eight episodes left.

Medium: Nine episodes will be produced. None have aired yet, so there are nine episodes left.

Men in Trees: Nineteen episodes will be produced. Eight episodes have aired, so there are 11 left.

My Name is Earl: Thirteen episodes will be produced (that includes two one-hour eps, which count double). Twelve episodes have aired, so there is one left.

The New Adventures of Old Christine: Eight episodes have been produced. No episodes have aired, so there are eight left.

Numbers: Twelve episodes will be produced. Nine have aired, so there are three left.

The Office: Twelve half-hour episodes will be produced. Twelve half-hour episodes have aired, so there are zero half-hour episodes left.

One Tree Hill: Twelve episodes will be produced. None have aired yet, so there are twelve episodes left.

Prison Break: Thirteen episodes will be produced. Eight episodes have aired, so there are five left. (On hiatus 'til Jan. 14)

Private Practice: Nine episodes will be produced. Nine episodes have aired, so there are zero left.

Pushing Daisies: Nine episodes will be produced. Nine episodes have aired, so there are zero left.

Reaper: Twelve episodes will be produced. Ten episodes have aired, so there are two left.

Samantha Who?: Twelve episodes will be produced. Nine episodes have aired, so there are three left.

Scrubs: Eleven episodes will be produced. Six episodes have aired, so there are five left.

Shark: Twelve episodes will be produced. Eleven episodes have aired, so there is one left.

The Shield: All 13 season-seven episodes will be completed. None have aired (the final season gets underway in '08), so there are 13 left.

Smallville: Fifteen episodes will be produced. Nine episodes have aired, so there are six left.

Supernatural: Ten to 12 episodes will be produced. Seven episodes have aired, so there are two to four left.

Ugly Betty: Thirteen episodes will be produced. Ten episodes have aired, so there are three left.

Without a Trace: Twelve episodes will be produced. Ten episodes have aired, so there are two left.

• If your favorite show isn't included above, don't panic — it's not because I hate you. It's because I'm still trying to track down the info. As soon as I get it, I'll add it to the list.

for sale: myself.

2007-12-15T19:16:00.000+08:00

i cannot find the right words but i could feel them. they are real. and they hurt.

this morning, however, all the numbing powers of the Universe became one and entered my system. finally hearing word from the only love that i have, i mumble through the sheets, thinking hard, recalling why my head aches so. then i realize i've been up until four. offering myself to nocturne and to mist, giving off all the energy i have left. energy i still have after all the fighting. after all the efforts. after all the martyrdom that sloughs me off balance with every single move i take. breaking me, turning me fragile. i've offered myself --volunteered myself-- host to all the pains known and unknown to man, as if wearing a huge sign on my chest that says "here my love, hurt me and make me cry. i am yours forever. never you doubt." to all sufferings and to all hurt. i never thought i'd be an advocate of something i'd never before believed in--that too much is too much. and when much has become too much, you feel nothing.

i was smiling this morning as i read his message, over and over.. smiling at the absurdity of this scene. over and over, like i've done so many innumerable uncountable infinite and counting mornings before. as if making sure of my feelings. but still i wondered why no hurt struck me. why as if nothing happened. why, i ask, do i show not the slightest trace of emotion? i did not even bother to muster a reply. had the love gone dry? i certainly do not want to believe so. because that would be impossible, right? right. so i tried ways to make myself hurt again. for that is the only state of being i'm ever comfortable being in. hurting. in pain.

ways he at the beginning of our existence created. listening to our songs. fumbling mouths over his long ago messages and souvenirs which had at least once in my life made me smile. ways like lying in bed for hours, remembering how he is hurting me, though unaware. remembering my dream of yesterday's vision of us. but the effects have faded. and i wonder why people ever get to become too happy.

i for sure am not certain of what to do. worse, i don't know of what to feel. (which is a very irrational statement, pardon me--i do know we never choose nor decide on what to feel. but i'm absurd and you have to bear with me --or else perish from this world. yes i am very evil and i shall kill you while tears run down my face and i shall laugh forever at the stupidity of my cognitions.)

i feel----just like my greatest nemesis, the Universe. wide. spaceous. all-containing eh? but hollow. pitch black. oh.. yes, yes. empty. hahahahahaha!! i am empty. do you realize?

emptiness. ah, the one with no hurt? though with no joy.. i think i begin to prefer it. what do you reckon? yes i think so, too. i'll keep at it. emptiness.. yes, yes..

but he'll never know.
*laughs feverishly*

he will not know what this means. what noble joys emptiness can bring to existence--unjoyful joys, i remind you. with emptiness, this emptiness, i shall feel nothing. however much he takes me for granted. however much he does not think of me before he eats his breakfast, nor before he goes off to sleep, nor when he looks out the window while he stays at school, nor when he listens to our songs at night, nor when he watches our movies, nor when he sees those gags we often laughed at..

nor when time comes for him to realize that these things are things dear to me.

*stops laughing and looks out the window, thinks of my love forever.*

the emptiness is gone and i am left on my sheets. bruised more than ever. crying unseen tears, sobbing silent agonies. i look at my window but the sill is closed. i listen to our songs but tonight i won't. i will watch our movies but i'll cut my power off. i'll think of him but i will feel nothing though i would. yes, i am not really evil as you may have noticed. i am a great pretender though i suck at it. i've been waiting all my life but waiting for nothing breaks me. and so i am fragile again, blaming myself and blaming the world, blaming my foe-friend, the Universe for these events that keep me crazy and alive.

maybe i'll keep at it. emptiness, i mean. i'll be empty when he takes me for granted and when he thinks not of me. but when he does, i'll love him stronger than i ever did before. and when he's tired and wants to be left alone i shall be empty again.. just like this empty and sad cycle i have created. out of need and out of love. out of misery and out of emptiness.

in between the relapses of my emptiness maybe i could spend my darling time on to waiting and hoping for someone. my friends tell me i deserve someone better, after all. will it hurt if i heed their coaching? somebody would do. anybody.

so if you are reading this and you would like to save me from this rollercoaster ride i was pre-compulsorily kidnapped to be part of, i beg you. on my kness and lips kissing the earth. man of my dreams, come rescue me and teach me the joys of love. for the whole world talks of love like it is a beautiful thing, but i do not seem to understancd why the same never occurs to me. make me understand and i shall desperately love you, too, in return. because i am a girl, too, at the end of the day. i, too, take a bath at night and erase my covers. i still long for that boy to be with. a real one, i emphasize. someone who'd take me not for granted, but with love and caring and respect and with all those pretty little things people talk about in songs and movies and paperbacks.

someone. anyone, i beg.

will you please love me?

******************************************************************************************

[unconditional love and loyalty comes with extra purchase. shipping fee included. songs, movies, and paperbacks sold separately. delivery comes within three days, all depending on location. shareenarciso121507.]

parurusahan kita--sa ngalan ng buwan.

2007-12-14T10:33:00.000+08:00

MINSAN SINASABI KO, SANA ME SUPER POWERS AKO. Yung tipong psycho powers. Ang hirap-hirap kase kapag nakatulog ka katabi ang laptop, mukha subsob sa keyboard at nagising ka lang dahil nakatulugan mo pala ang pakikinig sa musika ni Beethoven.

Malungkot ang gabi ko kagabi, yung lungkot na hindi mapipinta ng kahit na anong kulay, hindi masasabi ng kahit anong salita. Kalungkutang dala ng pag-iisa at paghangad, paghihintay sa isang bagay na kasing-labo ng view sa bintana mula sa loob ng kotse pag umuulan. Oo nga, malungkot na naman ako, sinumpong na naman ang sumpa sa'kin ng Universe at napagdiskitahan na naman akong pag-tripan. Nagkaron na naman ng silbi ang mga piano instrumentals na nakatambak sa media player ko. Nagamit na naman ang usok at ambon. Ang luhang hindi ko makita, hikbing di pa rin madama.

Kung gaano ako ka-drama kagabi, hindi ko alam na me hihigit pa pala. Pagkatapos ng masasayang ngiti, yakap, halik, init at pag-ibig sa napanaginipan ko kasama ang aking mahal ay ang napakasakit na pag-amin. Ang amining panaginip lang 'yun. Iilang minuto ng langit, kapalit ay pagdurusang umaabot ng deka-dekada pagsikat ng araw. Linikha ng utak ng tao para tugunan ang mga pangangailangan para maiwasan ang pagkabaliw ng sinumang naghahangad ng pag-ibig. At sa pag-amin na'to e ang pagpikit ng mata, pilit inuulit-ulit ang mga larawan ng panaginip kagabi. Pilit nire-replay. Pero dahil walang kasing sama ang Universe, dahan-dahang umaalon palayo ang mga larawan.. ang panaginip ay unti-unti na ring nakakalimutan. Sana sinama na nito ang sakit na ginawa. Pero hinde. Andito pa rin, pinaparusahan ako. Dahan-dahang pinapatay.

Kung bibigyan ako ng chance para pumili kung anong super power ang pipiliin kong magkaron, siguro kakayahan at kapangyarihan ng utak. Yung kapangyarihang mag-isip. Dahil madalas ako mag-isip. Madalas ko syang iniisip. Ang ganda siguro no? Kung magiging sapat lang ang pag-isip ko sa kanya e baka maisipan na rin nyang isipin ako. Pero hindi pwedeng dayain ang Universe e.

Sa panaginip naro'n sya. Huy! Naiintindihan nyo ba? Nagegets nyo ba? Nandun sya. Kasama ako. Nandun sya. 'Yun na lang ang konkretong larawang naaalala ko hanggang ngayon. Ang iba e lumipad na, nalimot na. At walang makakapagpaliwanag ng sakit na kayang iparamdam ng pag-gising sa katotohanan.

Ngayon ako e naghihintay, nakahiga sa kama. Hinihintay ang tulog, alas diyes ng umaga. Baka sakaling swertihin, makatulog, managinip. Kaya kong tiisin ang maaaring madalang sakit, makita't makasama lang siya ulit--oo, sa panaginip. Dahil doon perpekto ang lahat. Doon, naro'n sya. Doon, kasama ko sya. Mahal din nya ako. Hinihintay tumunog ang mundo, baka sa wakas e me kumatok sa kwarto ko hatid ang bagong imbensyon ng matatalinong human beings, isang drogang maghahatid ng tuwa at panaginip.

Pag-ibig sa pikit na mata. Walang kasing-sakit, walang kasing-saya.

shareenarciso121407.

morning wake-up.

2007-12-14T08:15:00.000+08:00

images so vivid
and touches too true
the one i was with--
surely 'tis you
shouted to the world
love. engagement. love.
keeping me close, holding in warmth
you were with me
blinking--i cannot believe
smiling in a slumber
why did i have to break free?
suddenly.....
'tis perfect
perfect even for me
sweetness flooded over shores--
sweetness all i could see.
lest the truth of reality
i mumbled much heartily
but fate hates me
despises me
hurts me
kills me
until no breath left have i
until my tears go beyond dry
until my heart is pounded
to small pieces unmending
to small pieces piercing me again--
it hurts, love.
it hurts more than death
hurts more than loss, love
for morning bade me greeting
one i would ne'er forget
wishing to keep you
only in your perfection that night
where i was all you see in that stupid limelight
where you adored me
bothered to be with me
in dreams you are perfect
in dreams you are mine
can you sell me a franchise?
to keep dreaming in paradise--
for waking hurts most
when i look at my bed side, you are lost.

shareenarciso.morningglory:cursingforhavingtowakeup.121407.

isang rebyu: Ang Paboritong Libro Ni Hudas (Bob Ong)

2007-12-12T19:12:00.000+08:00

BUKOD SA MAGANDANG COVER, maganda din actually ang nakasulat sa loob nito. At kung me magtatanong man, e hindi po satanic o kultu-kultuhan ang content nito.

Koleksyon ng mga butil butil na katotoohanan at imahinasyon ni ser Bob Ong tungkol sa buhay ng tao, magandang reading material 'to para makapag-reflect tungkol sa kung sumali ba talaga sa Laban O Bawi si Bob Ong, tungkol sa seven capital sins, sa walang katapusang debate kung may Diyos nga ba o wala, at kung meron man e ba't nahahayaang mapuno ng kasalanan at kasamaan ang earth.

Sa trademark na Tagalog at simpleng-intindihing paraan ng pagsulat ni kuya Bob e mapag-uusapan ang mga bagay na komplikado. Maaaring maliwanagan ka, lalong maguluhan, o parang wala lang ang epekto kung binasa mo 'to. Pero kung bagong sweldo ka, bagong kupet sa bulsa ni itay, bagong sustento ng sugar mommy, o kagagaling lang sa raket, e hindi na gaanong kasamaan ang maglaan ng konteng kulang sa dalawang daang piso pambili neto. Makatutulong ka na sa industriya ng nangangalulong manunulat na Pilipino, makakatulong sa pag-kontrol ng populasyon ng mga libro sa mga bookstore, e madadagdagan pa ang mga alam mo sa statistics ng mundo. (Note: Karamihan e nagsasabing pinaka walang silbi ang huling nabanggit.)

Kagaya ng ibang libro niya e Noyping-noypi sagad hanggang bone marrow ang dating ng libro.. hindi lang dahil Tagalog ha, pero dahil sa umaapaw na kasimplehan e masasalamin mo talaga ang buhay Pinoy at pagkakasalang Pinoy.

Ay, onga pala.. Kung gusto mo pang magtagal-tagal sa earth e 'wag mo munang basahin 'to.

...

Pero kung wala namang silbi ang pamamalagi mo dito, kung wala kang kwentang anak, asawa o kaibigan sa kahit kaninong tao, kung wala kang trabaho at wala ka nang pambayad sa utang, basahin mo 'to. Pramis mas madali ang paraang 'to kesa sa pag-overdose ng Xenical, pagpapasagasa sa flyover, pag-vovolunteer as hostage sa mga terorista o pagtalon mula sa taas ng building sa Ayala habang ginagaya si batman at marerealize sa part na huli na ang lahat na 'di naman pala nakakalipad si batman -- kung gusto mong magpaka-suicidal at mag-emo-emo-han.

In short,

Mamamatay ka pagkatapos mong nabasa ang librong 'to.

********************************************************************************************
ang rebyung ito ay gawa ng kaluluwa ni shareenarciso.
MABUHAY Funeraria,121207.

tachycardia.

2007-12-12T17:29:00.000+08:00

nervous this moment
letting smoke and fog fill me up
drowsy and shaky i sing
our songs of melody
our songs of happiness
our songs, yes, you and me..

and naked i sit before the horizon
and eyes shut, i feel a smile created
and nerves twitch
and fluids flow

i'm at a struggle
for words-- i want you to know
orange swines and cigar butts

what do they mean?

of the old and the ancient
i picture you
i picture me
for always shall we be?
my dear, my dear, my dear

this piece could go on: unending
my thoughts of you
my thoughts of me
had you asked i shall agree--

for darling,
our songs play on

i sing..

i love you.
through smog and through years and on and on

and on and on

kisses invisible
and hugs covert
my longing flares thorough

see me smile!
see me beautiful like you said before!
see me dance---graceful; not with him, my love!
see me at night and we shall dance unminding!
and you shall kiss me outside the gates.. while someone else waits for me, you shall kiss me!

of hearts breaking
lest faces jeering

sneers
and blahs

my darling, my darling..

if kisses unseen
be hugs unfelt..
be my beauty obscene,

will you sing with me?

INAALALAANGSENIORPROMSHAREENARCISO121207.

alaala ni batman.

2007-12-11T17:56:00.000+08:00

Ano ba yun…
Bale, 1986 nung una kong nakilala si Batman.
Wala pang ABS-CBN nun.
Sa BBC2 pa nun eh,
panahon ni Marcos na malapit nang mamatay.
Wala rin si Kris Aquino,
wala pa si Boy Abunda.
Sikat pa si German Moreno nun eh.
Sabi ko, "shit! Ang galing nito ah."
Natulala ako nang una kong napanood si Batman.
"shit! Ang galing nito." sabi ko sa sarili ko.
"Ang galing galing galing galing ng itsura ni Batman.
Parang kinatam ang mukha.
Ang galing ng costume.
Umuumbok ang dibdib pero
hindi pa rin bakat ang utong.
At ang galing ng gadgets niya,
ang gara ng kotse,
ang ganda ng bahay,
ang galing-galing mag-Ingles,
ang galing mangarate.
Actually, pulbos nga lahat ng kalaban niya eh.
Palagi ko siyang pinapanood nang tuwing hapon.

Palagi akong nakikipag-away sa katulong namin
dahil gusto niyang manood ng Lotlot and Friends
at saka That's Entertainment.
Pero ako, isa lang talaga ang gusto kong panoorin –
siya ring na idol na idol na idol na idol
ko talaga
(Idooool!).

Bale, idol na idol na idol na idol na idol ko talaga si Batman.
Di bale na si Robin.
Ayoko si Robin kasi parang bading.
Ano kaya ang relasyon nila ni Batman?
Pero, idol ko talaga si Batman nun.
Palagi ko siyang dinodrawing.
Palagi ko siyang ginagaya.
Lahat ng mga bagay na Batman gustong-gusto ko at meron ako.
Yung t-shirt ko Batman.
Yung lunch box ko, Batman.
Yung pencil case ko,
yung panyo,
sumbrero,
yung toothbrush,
yung brief ko,
lahat yun Batman.

Mahal na mahal ako ng tatay ko
kasi kahit mahirap lang kami
palagi niya akong binibili ng mga Batman na bagay.
Pero minsan, gusto ko talaga ng Batmobile na laruan.
Nagpabili ako sa kanya,
sabi ko
"Tay, bili mo naman ako ng batmobile o."
Pero, kakadaing lang niya sa trabaho nun,

at wala daw siyang pera.
Kasi kasali yata sa unyon,
at wala siyang ticket line kaya yun,
natanggal.
Kaya gumawa na lang siya ng tarak- tarak na lata ng sardinas
at binutasan na lang at kinabitan ng tansan

at dun ko nalaman ang ibig sabihin ng

PAGMAMAHAL.

At paglumipas na ang mga taon .....

na si Batman ay tuluyan nang naglaho mula sa aking alaala.
Ngunit sa isang madilim na sulok ng aking kamalayan,
alam kong naroon pa rin si Batman -
isang tahimik na aninong nakabalabal sa dilim at misteryo
sa loob ng aking utak at kwarto.
At mula noon ay nag-iba na nga ang ihip ng hangin,
nagulo na ang ikot ng mundo,
kumupas na ang kulay ng buhay,
dumaan ang mga kasintahan,
ang mga asawa,

ang mga taong akala mo'y
kaibigan
pero yun pala'y tarantado,

mga artistang
araw-araw napapanood sa TV na mga bobo,

mga pulitikong bobo,

mga trabahong maliit lang ang suweldo,

isang milyong limpak na mga problema,
isang bahada ng mga hinanakit sa mundong hinagpis.
Hindi ko na matagalan.
Hindi ko na matiis.
Hindi ko na kaya.

Ngayon, hindi ko na talaga kaya!
Hindi ko na talaga kaya!
Hindi ko na kaya!
May narinig akong putok na nasa kaibuturan ng aking utak.
Bumigay na ang tali!
Sumabog na ang bulkan!
Nabasag na ang pula!

Kaya ngayon, isang madilim na madilim na gabi,
ako ay narito na sa tuktok ng isang mataas na mataas na building sa Ayala.
Ang sarap ng hangin na umihip-ihip sa aking kapa.
Nakataas ang aking mga kamay!
Nakataas na ang aking mga kamay!
Malapit na akong lumipad!
Malapit na akong lumipad!
Malapit na akong lumipad!
Lipad, Batman, lipad!

Lumipad ka!
Lumipad ka!
Lumipad ka papuntang langit!
Lumipad ka!
Lumipad ka!
Nakataas ang aking mga kamay,
nakataas na ang aking mga kamay!

............................

......

...

Eh pero,
bigla kong naisip hindi naman pala lumilipad si Batman,
diba?
Hindi naman pala lumilipad si Batman.
Hindi naman pala lumilipad si Batman.

Kaya..

Paalam, malupit na mundo.
Paalam, mahal.
Paalam po, inay, itay, kuya, ate, lolo, lola, paalam po.
Lolo sa tuhod, paalam po.
Lola sa siko, paalam po.
Bantay, paalam.
Muning, paalam.
Ewan ko kung sinong magpapakain sa inyo.
Paalam po, Aling Tekla.
Paalam po, Mang Gorio.
At saka ko na lang po babayaran yung sukang inutang ko sa inyo.
Paalam, Jun-jun.
Paalam, Bong-bong,
Ba-bye Rose,
Hoy! Ba-bye,
Ba-bye, Baby.
Ba-bye, Pablo…

Sige..

Paalam.,,

Alaala ni Batman
ng Radioactive Sago Project

demonyita.

2007-12-10T19:59:00.000+08:00

sa isang sulok ng kwarto
siya'y umupong tahimik
minamasid ang aming baho
mata niya'y tumitirik
hinihimas ang kamay
ayos, 'di na naman mapalagay
dahil zero pa ang huli
aba--binabantaya'y tila mabubuti!!
kelangang mang-away----
kanyang bulong sa sarili,
gawing miserable kanilang buhay!!
mga kilay niya'y muling nagmi-meet.
lubhang kasamaan nga ba?
o kanyang simpleng pag-ganti
sa kasamaang pinakita din sa kanya
ng mga nakaraang lahi?
oy!! at pag-dalaw nga naman ng swerte
ako ang nakita ng demonyita
nakasubsob aking ulo sa ere
at pikit ang mata
'wag kang matulog dito!!
nagulat naman daw ako.
kaya mata'y binuksan na
sabay na kinuha ang papel at pluma
akala ng bruha'y nanalo na siya
walang malay sa aking tangka
hahahaha---nabababaliw ba siya?
sa aking pagsulat pag-ganting siya'y sinumpa
ang tunay na demonyitang maliit
pinuno aking loob ng galit
tuloy ngayon ako'y nagsasabi-sabi
ha!! matutulog din ako mamayang gabi!!
parang siopao sa bulsang masikip
magkakasat ako nang malagkit.
sa aking kama'y sasambit,
dito ang demonyita'y wala nang sabit!!

HA!!!!!!akalaniyasiguronoh.shareenarciso.121007.1300hrs.nageemotesaRLEroom.

'wag kang matulog.

2007-12-10T19:02:00.000+08:00

'wag kang matulog
RLE mo ngayon
'wag kang matulog
baket? dahil ayoko
'wag kang matulog
matanda ako sa'yo
gumradyuweyt na'ko
nag-aaral ka pang dumodo
mas madami 'kong alam sa'yo
baka 'di mo alam
'wag kang matulog
dahil bruha ako
'wag kang matulog
lalabas ang sungay ko
guro akong mataas
mababa lang 'yong antas
'wag kang matulog
lalamunin kita, parang ahas
'wag kang matulog
dahil 'yun ang sabi ko
walang pero-pero
ako ang diyos dito
pangil ko babaon sa'yo
tatawa 'ko't masisiraan ng ulo
'wag kang matulog
putangina mo
baka 'di mo 'ko kilala
ako ang diyos dito
bawal matulog
bawal huminga
bawal mabuhay
dahil nag-Nursing ka
bawal ngumiti
bawal ding ngumisi
sumunod ka sa'kin, iha
dahil ako'y isang bruha
'wag kang matulog
dahil nag-Nursing ka
walang kwentang turo
walang silbing kwento
pakinggan mo't matuto
pagkat ako ang diyos dito
'wag kang matulog
'wag kang matulog.

shareenarciso121007:1235hrs(RLEperiod)
dedikeyted to sa demonyita kong C.I.
amen.

conspiracy theory.

2007-12-09T21:23:00.000+08:00

PINAGKAKAISAHAN AKO ng Universe. Nararamdaman ko yan. Badtrip nga e. Talagang gawa nang gawa ng dahilan para lang mag-rebyu ako para sa dalawang exam, dalawang make-up quiz, isang report, isang assignment at isang return demonstration ko bukas. As if naman mag-aaksaya ako ng oras para sa mga bagay na'to. Dahil sa opisyal na ang pagiging tamaritis sur ko e isang linggo na nga ata akong walang ginagawang aktibiti na me kunek sa pag-aaral ko, at masaya ako dahil dito. Ang sarap pala ng ganun no? Sine, mall, badminton, kaen, tulog, kaen, tulog, kaen, text, internet, kaen ulet, may paminsan-minsang pag-gala sa daan pero kakain ulet sa huli. Ah.. YUN ang heaven. Ang saya saya talaga kung alam niyo lang. Ang sarap maging tamad. Gusto ko na ngang panindigan to e. As in, KASO (yun e. may ngunit subalit datapwat pero kaso!! badtrip----panira mga loko!) ang buong universe e nagko-conspire para hindi matuloy ang aking adhikain. Akala nya siguro hindi ko napapansin! Ha!! Magaling ata ako. At kung akala nyang bibigay ako sa mga cheap na pagsubok nya ng paninindigan ko sa aking new passion: Ang pagiging tamad--e nagkakamali sya! Itatayo ko nang tuwid ang bandila ng mga tamad mag-aral! Wahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaa!!!!! (fade effect..)

Eto ang mga conspiracy na napuna ko buong maghapon:

Una: Sa iilang pagkakataon sa buhay ko, kabilang ang araw na'to sa mga okasyong naging conducive to studying ang kapaligiran ko-- dahil naglinis ng dorm ko (ahem..) 'yung kasama namen sa bahay. [<--click on link sa baba for more info] Walang hibla ng buhok ko na nakakalat, walang mabahong basura. Tuyo ang banyo, walang maduduming dishes sa lababo, naka-tupi ang kumot ko (WAHHH!!!! kadudur kaya 'yun!! Nilikha ang mga kumot para guluhin tapos.. tapos.. tapos.. ITUTUPI NIYA LANG????!!!! How dare she!!). Walang alikabok, lumiwanag ang paligid (sapat na dahilan para maging uncomfortable ako at sapilitang kumain ng Bingo Orange para lang maging medyo unkempt ang kwarto ko), at nag-day-off 'yung friends kong mga langgam.

Ikalawa: Kasalanan ng Universe kung ba't wala akong pera ngayon kaya hindi ako maka-rampa. Sinasadya niyang maging uber gastos ko kahapon kaya pinrogram niya ang utak ko na manuod ng dalawang mubi, kumain sa labas, at ubusin ang ipon sa pagbili ng regalo para sa magulang at kapatid. Impulsive Buying talaga. Tignan niyo kung ga'no siya ka-hinayupak!! 'Di tuloy ako maka-gala ngayong araw. Tampalasan! Napakasama!

Ikatlo: Inutusan niya rin ang mga classmates ko na sunod-sunod na magtext sa'kin para itanong KUNO kung me quiz sa PHC, sa STS, sa BioStat. Natural iisipin ko kung meron nga!! Eto pa!! Inutusan niya rin 'yung ka-group ko sa Lit na guluhin ang aking pamamayapa para pag-usapan ang report namin. Mga taksil silang lahat! Ipinagkalulo nila ako kay Universe. Hmph!! Magkano kaya'ng sinuhol niya para pati sila guluhin ang araw ko?

Ikaapat: Ginampalaan niya ako ng uber bilis na mga mata na kayang makapagbasa ng 500 words per second kaya lahat ng binili kong libro e tapos ko nang basahin....... Ibig sabihin..... Wala na'kong ibang gagawin at akala ni Universe e sapat na din 'yun para ma-tempt akong mag-aral. HA!!!! Sinong niloko niya? Wahahahahaha. Wais to!

Ikalima: Kung hindi ba naman sukdulan ang kasakiman e kung kelan nasa chorus na'ko ng matagal nang pinag-aaralang kanta sa gitara e sisingit na naman si Universe sa eksena. Putres. Naputol pa 'yung string #1 ko. Kamusta pare! Ang sama-sama. Wala nang pera, walang mabasa, wala pang gitara. O-may-gali ha. Umaabuso na siya, in fairness.

Ikaanim: Nag-rereplay sa utak ko----oo kasalanan pa rin 'to ni Universe na ma-feeling----'yung remarks sa'kin nung kalaro ko sa Badminton court. Parang sumpa na pa-ulit ulit. Nahyhypnotize na nga'ko e. "Tumaba ka Sha!!" Waw, tenkyu sa pagpapaalala. Anak ng nanay na talangka ni Marimar!! Ngayon ayoko na ring kumain! Anu na? Papatayin ata nila 'ko sa inip.

Ikapito: Dala ng gutom at karukhaan e nakakarinig na'ko ng mga boses. Hinanap ko ang source........ Ang bag ko! Tinatawag ako nung mga notes at libro ko. Okey joke. Kinokonsensya na'ko ni Universe.

'Dun sa unang anim e nakaya ko pang labanan ang temptation na mag-aral at baliin ang sinumpaang tungkulin ng pagiging isang dakilang tamad na estudyante. Pero nung na-exhaust na ni Universe lahat ng pamamaraan niya e hinagis niya sa'kin 'yung ikapito at wala na, natumba na'ko. Ipinaubaya ko na lamang sa ibang magiging future bayani ng bansa natin ang pagtatag ng bandila ng mga tamad.

***********************************************************************************

Oras na mabasa mo 'to e tapos na'ko gumawa ng homework at mag-aral ng kung anu-anong ek ek na feeling naman nila e paniniwalaan ko sa tuwing sasabihin nilang importante ang tinuturo sa'min sa school. Lokohin nila lelang nila. Pasalamat kayo ke Universe. Kung 'di siya adik e 'di naman ako magpapa-uto sa kung anu-anong pinapagawa ninyo. Mga bogaloids kayong lahat!

shareenarciso120907:2100hrs.

kapag inaway na si winnie the pooh.

2007-12-09T17:14:00.000+08:00

SUMAKIT ANG ULO KO dahil dumating 'yung kasama namen sa bahay para linisin ang 'madumi' DAW na kwarto ko. SOLID!!

Sinubukan kong pigilan

ang mama ko sa desisyo ng 'to pero nagtagumpay pa rin sya sa huli. Habang hinihintay ang magiging masaklap kong kapalaran e lumabas muna ko't tumambay sa may stairs para magbasa ng mga kwentong balbal ni Bob Ong. Nangangamba na nga'ko e. Hindi na'ko maka-pokus sa pinoproblema kong animal rights ng mga sisiw na kinukulayan at binebenta sa mga bata pag me fiesta. Hindi na magtatagal mawawalan na'ko ng ulirat-tao. Malapit ko nang matapos 'yung libro nang bigla akong-- napakirot (anung tagalog nun? nagulat. oo.)--nagulat sa kasama namen, uuwi na daw dahil tapos na syang maglinis. Para akong uminom ng isang BARREL ng kape sa sobrang kaba . Pakyut pa'ko e, me suspense kuno. Dahan-dahan akong pumasok sa kwarto ko, kinundisyon ko na sarili ko sa anumang magiging kahihinatnan ng pinakamamahal kong kwarto. **Pinipigil ang paghinga..** Phew. Ayos naman. 'Kala ko extra challenge nanaman aabutan ko. Hindi masyadong JURASSIC ang nangyari. Nung unang panahon kasi, mas pipiliin ko na'ng makatulog na may occasional na langgam na gumagapang sa mukha ko kasi kumain ako ng Eggnog sa kama ko, mas gusto ko na'ng tapakan ang flooring ko na hindi mo mahahalatang de-tiles pala sa kapal ng buhok na nangalaglag. E wala namang kaso sa'kin 'yun, kasi akin namang buhok 'yun e. 'Di ko nga sila ma-gets, sabi ng nanay ko kadiri daw. Well.. 'yun, dun na nangyari ang adventures ko kasama ng kasama namen......... **tenenenen.....

Nung una syempre natuwa pa'ko kasi may maglilinis pa talaga ng dorm ko para saken. Astig di ba. Buhay prinsesa. Kaso pag-uwi ko galing school (wala na sya) natigilan ako sa pinto at nag-second thoughts pa 'ko kung tamang kwarto ba ang pinasukan ko. 'Yung Holy Water ko (galing pa ng France, pinadala ni inay para daw walang masasamang espiritung gumala sa kwarto ko T.T ) napunta sa lababo, kasama ng Eye-Mo ko at Kiwi.'Yung multivitamins napunta sa taas ng aircon, kasama nung rosaryo at alarm clock. Pero ibang usapan na 'pag 'yung SAGRADONG GAMIT ko na ang nadamay -- NAKUPU!!.. Iba na yan. Digmaang Pandaigdig!!!!!! Okey lang naman sakin kahit nasa tabi ng basurahan sa LOOB ng banyo ko 'yung tsinelas ko at okay lang din kahit 'yung mga pinakamamahal kong POST-ITs e inalis nya sa pader ko at tinapon PERO medyo atras na kapag 'yung Winnie the Pooh COFFEE MUG ko na ang napagdiskitahan. Naku naku.HINUGSAN NYA ANG WINNIE THE POOH COFFEE MUG KO!!!!! Isang sem ko nang 'di hinuhugasan 'yung mug kong 'yun dahil: (1) pagkahugas e gagamitin din naman ulit, sayang effort energy at time . kailangang magtipid!!, (2) ako lang naman ang gumagamit, (3) mas malasa 'yung kape pag hindi sya hinugasan kasi pag hinugasan lasang Joy Dishwashing Soap kahit ilang ulit pang banlawan, (4) nakakatamad , at (5) hindi naghuhugas ng baso ang mga naka-dorm.

Pero seryoso--Nasaktan talaga ako nun. Pero dahil MABAIT AKO at di pa kamiclose nun e hinayaan ko na lang syang makauwi ng matino at sinarili ko na lang ang HAPDI at SAKIT .

Nag-usap kami ng masinsinan ng nanay ko nung sunod kong uwi nun. Napilitan tuloy akong mangako na MAGWAWALIS ako at magtatapon ng

basura regularly..(!!!!!!!) Abala talaga pero lahat gagawin ko wag lang madamay ang coffee mug kong Winnie the Pooh..
na PURPLE ($#!!+!!!!) regalo ng syota ng pinsan kong lalake saken nung pasko.

Ilang linggo ding hindi naulit ang pangyayaring 'yun. Natiis ng nanay kong sikmuraing imaginin kung anong itsura ng dorm ko. Na mas ok saken. Nagkaroon na rin ng katiwasayan ang pakikipagkapwa ko sa kasama namin at kahit na di pa rin kami close e unti-unti nang naghihilom ang sugat na ginawa nya at kahit papano e napapatawad ko na sya. Siguro dahil na rin sa suporta ng kaibigan kong si tarsy.

haaaaay..Tama nga siguro ang sinasabi ng mga tita't tito ko na tama ang pagpapalaki sakin ng mga magulang ko.

shareenarciso120907.

isang rebyu: Batanes

2007-12-08T22:45:00.000+08:00

SA WAKAS. Isang pelikulang nagpakita ng ganda ng Pilipinas. Inaantok na'ko pero magiging isang kasalanan kung ide-delay ko pa ang pagsulat ng rebyu kong 'to.

Ang pinakauna kong napansin e uber fast-paced ang pelikula. Kahit na me sufficient moment-momentan naman, parang mabilis ang mga events.. walang masyadung ek ek. 'Di ko nga namalayan na isa't kalahating oras na pala sya. Nakatulong 'yung mabilis na transition sa scenes siguro.

May "indie feel" yung pelikula e, di ko mapaniwalaang well budgeted sya. Indie hindi dahil mukhang tinipid ha, i mean, kasi mas naaappreciate ko indie films kasi mas ayos mga kwento nila. Magaling 'yung ideya at magaling yung writers. Maganda yung script PANGAKO.

Sa tingin ko, DEPENDE sa uri ng taong manonood kung maiinip ka sa mubing 'to, tulad nung mga nakasabay kong nanood (LIMA lang kame sa sinehan. dalawang lola at dalawang apong lalaking nagtatakbuhan at kung di lang ako mabait na mamamayan e sinigawan ko na sa ingay at likot) na umalis ng sinehan na HINDI man tinapos. Ano layang inexpect ng mga yun? Labstori nina Richard Gutierrez at Angel Locsin? Kamon kabayan.

*end of pagsasabi-sabi*

Pagdating sa acting okey naman, lalo na si Iza Calzado, i think she did very well. Mararamadaman mo kasi e, kung pa'no mawalan ng mahal sa buhay. Gusto kong part din e 'yung nagagalit sya sa dagat. Parang unfairness ng buhay. "Dito, ang dagat ang nagpapatakbo ng buhay mo. Hindi ikaw.." So i guess dapat ang credit e sa story. Pero ineemphasize ko lang na napaka-okey ng pagkuha sa kanya. Natutuwa nga'ko e. Kasi balita ko hindi sya yung orig na cast para bumida talaga. Turns out, okey naman yung naging final decision na kunin sya. Sa ibang cast, para sa'ken OKEY din naman si Ken Chu. Hindi ko nakita 'yung Love-Knows-No-Borders feel sa kanya pero in fairness 'di naman din sya miserable sa role nya. Para kasing anlaki-laki nung papel ng character nya e, di ba. Medyo nabitin ako sa performance nya. Si Joem (Rico) 'yun. Ayus sya. 'Di pa kilalang aktor pero sa tingin ko kuhang kuha nya 'yung role ng promding PINOY(!!!) na nagmamahal at rumerespeto sa dagat, at cute din yung pagiging masayahin nya, smiling face ba. Natuwa din ako dahil nagmukhang passionate 'yung love scenes. Maganda epekto nung lampara (hehehe..)..

Cinematography. Ayun e! Sapul ng mga producer at direktor to. Ala ako masabe. Mula sa paghampas ng alon, sa simpleng pamumuhay sa Batanes, hanggang 'dun sa scenes ng pag-alis at pagkakakilala. Bravo. Ewan ko, parang.. ang ganda ng Pinas e noh? Basta.. kung cinematography ang usapan e 9.5/10 siguro to. Nanghihinayang nga'ko e. Kung nasali sa MMFF to mas maganda sana.

Musical score. Eto (liban sa cinematography) ang lagi kong inaabangan sa lahat ng movies na pinapanuod ko. Naa-accentuate kasi ng musika ang kahit anong partikular na tagpo. Da best yung score nung mga gabi na deds na si Rico at naghanda ng pagkain si Pam para sa kanilang dal'wa. Napaka-intense, nakakadala talaga. Maganda din 'yung piano instrumentals sa scenes na yakap-yakap nya 'yung polo ni Rico sa kama. Para sa orig songs naman, para sa'kin mahusay 'yung "Nag-iisa, wala ka na" ni Noel Cabangon sa bahaging kamamatay lang ni Rico. (download ko nga mamya. hahaha. magandang pang-senti 'yun.)

Pero tingin ko, 'yung mensahe ang pinakamahalagang factor sa buong konsepto ng mubi kaya nagustuhan [ko] sya. Kahit na medyo hindi friendly si Mareng Dagat, at kahit sabogaloids 'yung acting nung boss ni Iza, nung Chef kuno, at nung unang pari sa movie e natutuwa naman ako sa kinalabasan ng pelikula. Pag-ibig e. May tanung-tanung pa ba 'pag yun na ang usapan?

Hapi panunuod!!

isang rebyu: Youngblood 3

2007-12-06T21:00:00.000+08:00

Youngblood 3

(mula sa mga pinoy 1999-2004, inquirer books)

MASAMANG ISIPIN PERO oo, nagugulat pa rin ako tuwing nagbabasa ako ng youngblood books o essays. Nakakagulat na mayroon pa rin nga palang intelektwal na populasyon ang bansa natin. Sori pero may mga matatalino pa rin tayong mamamayan. Mas nakagugulat kasi akalain mo, may kabataan pa rin pala tayong pipiliin ang pagsulat at paglathala ng kanilang mga saloobin bilang pagtulong sa Pilipinas at pagbuhos ng kanilang mga damdamin. May mga kabataan pa rin palang nagsusulat, nagbabasa, nag-iisip. Mayroon pa ring pakialam ang mga batang 'to. Hindi pa rin ako nawawalan ng pag-asa sa paniniwalang ang kabataan ang pag-asa ng bayan.

Nagkakamali kayo kung iniisio ninyo na ang lahat ng kabataan natin ay walang ibang inatupag kundi grumadweyt ng nursing at lumipad sa ibang bansa. Nagkakamali din ho kayo kung sa tingin ninyo pre-marital sex, droga, maingay na musika at pagrerebelde lang ang alam nilang gawin. Sori pero we (kami at tayo) are more than that.

Noong una kasi kabilang ako sa mga tangang naniniwalang wala na tayong patutunguhan (ever). Siguro dala na rin ng impluwensya ng Western media at pagkakakulong sa eskwela mula nung nagkamalay-tao ako kaya hindi ako aware sa takbo ng pag-iisip ng mga ka-age group ko. Akala ko din walang kwenta ang mga nakasulat sa mga essay sa librong 'to, pero dala ng inip e binasa ko na. At hindi ako nagsisi. Buti na lang nainip ako. Youngblood 2.0 actually 'yung una kong binasa. Pagkatapos ng iilang istorya ng iba't ibang kabataang pinoy e nahiya ako bigla. Nakakahiya ang kamangmangan na ipinakita ko. Masyadong powerful 'yung epekto ng mga kwento nila--mga kwentong kasing-simple lang ng pamomroblema sa mga daga sa bahay o kasing-seryoso ng pagiging bahagi ng mga rally at pag-aalsa laban sa gobyerno, lahat e nakakiliti sa pagiging makabayan ko. Nagising ako sa aking sub-conscious existence. Isang passive na nilalang ng Pilipinas, ngayon minamahal ko na ang bansang 'to. Medyo mababaw sigurong dahilan ang isang simpleng libro para matawag na catalyst ng aking pagkamulat, pero sori ho, madali kasi akong maengganyo at maimpluwensyahan ng nakalimbag na media... Dati nga nababaduyan ako sa Tagalog eh. Ngayon nahihirapan na'kong mag-ekspres ng damdamin sa Ingles.

Maganda ang line-up ng mga kwento sa Youngblood 3, katulad ng mga naunang volume---ipinapakita ang totoong mukha ng mga Pilipino, lalu na mga teenagers. Hindi masasayang ang bili dahil hindi lahat ng entries ay mabababaw o light pero hindi din nakaka-dugo ng mata dahil hindi lahat ng kwento ay seryoso o mabigat. Balanse lang, ba.

Di ako sure kung rebyu nga 'tong naisulat ko o paglelecture sa pagiging pinoy. Pero sana dumami pa ang mga mahilig sa pagbasa ng sulat-pilipino.

Amen. Mabuhay ang Pilipino. Pati na ang bansa neto. Rakenrol.

tug pak.

2007-12-06T14:55:00.000+08:00

DURUGISTA DAW AKO sabi ni inay. Wala talagang nag-abalang linawin sa'kin to pero sa tulong ng non-verbal cues at konting bahid ng common sense e masasabi kong dahil 'yun sa pinakinggan kong musika habang lumalaki ako.

Katulad lang ako ng mga banda na kapag iniinterbyu sa songhits o magasin tungkol sa kanilang musical influences, the Beatles ang sinasagot nila--kadalasan dahil daw 'yun ang pinapakinggan ng tatay nila nuong kids pa sila. E dahil hindi naman kaskasero 'yung naging tatay ko, mga kanta ng the Carpenters at Bread ang pinakinggan ko nung bata pa'ko. Sabay kaming kumakanta noon, lalo na 'pag wala si inay, dun sa cassette player naming itim na buhay pa rin hanggang ngayon. Kumakanta ako nun kahit di'ko maintindihan yung mga kanta at nanghuhula lang ako ng lyrics.

Kaya kahit ako nagtataka kung bakit sa dulo ng prusisyon, naging durugista pa rin ako.

Naaalala ko nung Grade 6 ako, namulat ako sa kalawakan ng industriya ng musika at nag-ipon ako. Nabili ko ang pinakaunang original na CD ko sa aking lifetime, ang Hybrid Theory ng Linkin Park. Ang naaalala ko kasi sinendan ako ng ringtone ng pinsan ko ng kantang "crawling" at kahit wala pa'kong kamalay-malay na raker pala yun, bumili pa rin ako. Tuwing 5:30 AM no'n, nagsisilbing wake-up call ng pamilya namin (buti na lang naka-abroad si itay nun, haha) ang mga kanta ng Linkin Park. Freaky pag minsan pero oo, memoryado ko lahat ng nasa unang album nila. Pati 'yung rap ni Mike Shinoda.

At dun na nagsimula ang lahat. Nag-high school ako at nagpatuloy ang pagkahumaling sa musika. 'Di nagtagal natuto akong gumitara at magpasikat sa eskwela. Second year ako nun nang sumikat ang musikang akustik at nag-boom! ang industriya ng mga gumagawa ng gitara dahil sa paglutang ng MYMP. Syempre, hindi padadaig to. Mula sa in the end at papercut, nabaling ang atensyon ko sa mga lumang love songs----especially for you, tell me where it hurts, kailan, at halos lahat ng mymp songs. 'Dun ako unang um, nakilala (?) sa school performances kasama ng aking kaibigan-slash-vocalist. Oo, minahal nga siguro kami ng schoolmates namin noon, lalo na yung mga babaeng nakikiuso sa mga bagong kanta (revivals lang, actually). Pero hindi naman magtatagal ang kahit na anong hindi tunay na gusto ng sinumang tao. Naglaho din ang mymp at pagpatak ng senior year ko, natuklasan naming kaya palang kumanta ng aking bespren (oo nasa multiply din sya. hahaha). Naaalala ko pa ang araw na pagalitan kami ni Sir Castro dahil kumakanta kami ng Una ng Sponge Cola sa klase nya. Makakalimutan ko na lahat sa pagpasok ng school wag lang ang gitara ko na tinotono ko every morning. 'Dun ata lalong naging macho ang pagkakaibigan namen. 'Di nagtagal e nag-aral na ring tumugtog yung isa naming kabarkada, bass ang mas gusto nya. Drummer lang talaga ang wala ang barkada namen hanggang ngayon. BOOM. Sa lahat ng sumunod na mga school activities at programs, lagi kaming andun, tumutugtog (oo ako lang ang babae--cool.) Hindi ko makakalimutan ang una naming exposure--Jeepney yung kanta at 'dun nalaman ng buong SMAG na kumakanta si Janal. Naghihiyawan nga sila nun eh. Sabi ng iba, mas masaya daw pag kami ang tumutugtog, ewan ko kung totoo kasi uber dami ng mga mas magaling sa'min. Amateur pa e, kumbaga. Kaso ang importante naman kasi sakin (at samin) e yung makapag-perform at panuorin ng pipol. Ansarap nun, para kang naka-high. Daig pa yung palutang-lutang effect na dala ng pag-inom ng vodka sa 7th birthday party ng kapatid ng kabarkada mo. Daig pa yung thrill na dala ng pag-cucutting classes. Mas masarap pa sa Prom at Graduation. Sa loob ng tatlong minuto sa stage, nagiging hari (at reyna) kami ng isang maliit na eskwela sa Guagua Pampanga.

Sa gitna ng occasional na pagkakalunod sa mga love songs (kapag sawi sa pag-ibig), hindi nawawala ang dugong rakista ko. Natuto akong manuod ng mga concerts at gigs ng mga pilipinong banda. Naging malaking bahagi na talaga ng buhay ko ang musika, partikular ang OPM at alternatib. At kahit papano e natanggap na ng pamilya ko 'yun. Di na rin ako tinatawag na durugista ng nanay ko lately (kasi pag andyan sya hinihinaan ko yung radyo para safe. Biogesic kasi ang magiging end result pag tinuloy ko pa eh)..

At kahit na super nga ang pagiging malayu namin sa isa't isa ng mga kalahi ko dahil sa lecheng napausong kalokohang tinatawag ng mga magulang na Kolehiyo, sila pa rin ang naiisip ko tuwing pinapasabog ko ang eardrums ko sa pakikinig ng maiingay na tunog na para sa'kin ay musika.

Rak On, kabanda.

isang rebyu: Macarthur ni Bob Ong

2007-12-04T17:47:00.000+08:00

KAILANGANG mabasa to ng lahat ng pilipino.

******
naglalakad-lakad ako sa national bookstore nung sunday, naghahanap ng magandang book para mabigay sa kapatid ko for christmas. as i was browsing, i went through that automatic passing-by sa may books ni sir paulo coelho. then something special tinged me and my devils whispered, "ano ka ba, ni isang pilipinong libro wala ka pang nababasa kung ano ano nang tinitignan mo dyan.."
tapos pumunta ako sa local book collections. nakakatawa in a sarcastic term na aabot ng ilang libo ang mga librong imported, kahit yung mga paperbacks lang na love stories na super predictable ang plot. pagkatapos ang librong gagawan ko ng rebyu ngayon ay 100 pesos lang.

striking ng super yung cover ng book na'to. pulang-pula at mukhang sopistikadong thriller ni stephen king. papantay na rin sa book covers ni john grisham. medyo faded yung pagkaka-engrave ng mga titik na B O B O N G kaya diko agad narealize kung anong uri ng libro ang nasa kamay ko. nakabalot ng plastic, matigas ang libro kahit na may kanipisan. di nako nag-eexpect ng librong bababa sa P200 ngayon kaya napa-dalawang tingin pako sa bar code neto.

mukhang bago ni bob ong, di ko pa nababasa, mura pa. tamang-tama sa nauuhaw kong mga matang sabik magbasa. at the same time hindi ko kailangang maging guilty dahil nagpapaka-nationalistic ako lately. usual bob ong catch yung nakalagay sa likod ng book. so i assumed na kwentong chalk nanananananaman to, mga simpleng pagmamasid pero makabuluhang aral sa buhay pilipino.

napalunok ako nang umupo ako't nagsimula sa pagbabasa.

walang quote. walang marvin-agustin-is-the-new-president dialog. walang kwento ng mga nagtataeng bolpen. isang kwento. maikling kwento.

at si bob ong ang nagsulat. wow sabi ko, bago to ah. so i went on.

basically, kwento sya ng apat na magkakabarkada. mga shabu adik, pero may kanya-kanyang istorya. makikita mo ang tunay na mukha ng kahirapan dito sa pilipinas. natuwa ako sa paraan ng pagkwento ni Ong dito, napaka-lay man. walang sentence na walang Tangna, putanginamo, pakyu, shit, ulul at kung anu-anu pang cute na murang kanto. magaling dahil mapapadpad ka talaga sa squatters' areang bahay nina Cyrus na medyo malaki lang ng konti sa bahay-aso; sa police station kung saan pinapalabas na inosente ang tulisan para mapunta sa mga pulis ang anumang ninakaw, sa normal na bahay nina Noel, sa umaalis na mag-ina ni Jim dahil nabuntis na naman at walang maipangtustos ang lalaki, at kay Voltron na may nanay na lasengga. iba't ibang itsura ng mga pinoy. kabataang pinoy. pagkakalulong sa bisyo at mga balak nilang magbago. mga unfairness ng buhay, kamatayan, pamilya, at higit sa lahat, pagkakaibigan.

sa isang daang piso makakakuha ka ng isang daang pahina.

but wait, there's more! if you call within the next five minutes, may isang daang realizations kang makukuha.............. free!

sa ika-siyampu't walong pahina, tumulo din sa wakas ang aking mga luhang namuo sa umpisa ng kwento ng apat na magkakaibigan.

hindi ito ang iyong usual bob ong.
na-touch pa'ko dahil para sa Gawad Kalinga pala ang proceeds ng book nato.

pahabol sulat:
magandang gawing mubi to. wag lang mga pakyut na artista kunin nila.

si beybs at ang hapdi.

2007-12-03T19:13:00.000+08:00

pinagpapawisan ng malagkit
o ang araw, ang panahon
nagkakaubusan na ng banderitas
anong isasabit ko sa pista ng pag-ibig ko ngayon?

penge naman, beybs.
kahit isang minuto lang

pinagpapawisan na ng malagkit

lumimot, tumakbo.
iwanan na 'yan.
bigyang pansin ang nakasabit sa bubong.

napakalamig pa rin.
pumapatak, dumadaloy, pinagpapawisan.

sa hikbi ng masasarap na paggising at pagtulog
o kahit ang kabaligtaran pa

humaharurot na si pag-ibig.
mabilis at matulin.

hahaha-- hindi naman tayo magpapaiwan di ba?

kaya penge na kasi.
bigyan mo naman ako beybs.
sige na naman o.
kahit isang minuto lang.

120307taranabeybshahahahahahahahahahahanababaliwnako.

kumpisal.

2007-12-02T21:14:00.001+08:00

I NEVER BELIEVED IN FAIRY TALES. i was not the typical 'girl' growing up. habang nalalaro ng barbie at lutu-lutuan ang mga pinsan at kapitbahay ko, nagbabasa ako ng children's encyclopedia, nagmememorize ng multiplication table, natutuklasan na ka-birthday ko si Wilhelm Roentgen (imbentor ng X-ray) at pumapatay ng zombie, tinatalo si Nemesis sa aking playstation. lahat sila--nasa labas, nagluluto ng mga dahon at tubig, may shoulder bag ng lola sa balikat, nangengelam sa make-up kit ng kanilang mga nanay. ako--kinakabisado ang mga nangyari sa kwento ng world war ii, nagbabasa tungkol kay hitler, nakakulong sa apat na sulok ng bahay, tinuturuan ni mama. naka-confine sa ospital. gingivitis. acute rhino-sinusitis. costochondritis. asthma. nakalimutan ko na yung iba.

minsan nung high school may activity kami sa arts, parang abstract-draw your childhood using colors.. 'yung sa classmates ko puro bright colors.. vibrant.. striking.. joyful.. maganda. 'yung akin, iba-ibang shades ng blue. i never bothered to explain my stand sa classmates ko. as if they'd understand.

ganun ako eh. hanggang ngayon nga ata. mataas ang tingin sa sarili. ayokong kinokonsider akong tulad lang ng karamihan. kailangan kong mag-stand out. dapat sikat ako. magaling. kilala. hanggat may opportunity na pwede akong maging different, special, hindi ordinaryo, minsan pa--weird, et cetera, gina-grab ko ang opportunity na yun. hindi ako nagiging masaya kapag part ako ng crowd. i mean, the stereotypical crowd ha. isang trait na medyo malabo ang pinagmulan.. ang daddy ko kasi matalino at mabait eh. tahimik nga lang, sa kanya ko siguro nakuha ang pagiging loner ko at ang pag-eexcel academically. first honors lagi sya nung student pa sya. consistent, kwento ni inay. ang mama ko naman--uhm, well.. lahat naman siguro ng mama-- siya yung super malakas ang loob. hindi nagpapaagrabyado. maingay kadalasan, pero matapang. sabi nya namana ko daw sa kanya 'yung confidence ko. napapaisip ako minsan kung confident ba talaga ako, pero i never argue about it sa harap ng mama at family ko. alam kasi ng pamilya ko magaling ako. matalino. hindi nila pwedeng malaman na nagkakaproblema din ako, na minsan inaatake din ako ng tamad at landi. hindi pwede. ako lang ang pwedeng makaalam. madidisappoint sila.

oo alam ko na ang bawat tao ay unique, special. pero lahat ba nakakaranas ng mga nararanasan ko? sometimes i feel like a freak. at school (since college ha) ayoko ng may kasama. meals, ako mag-isa.. sa loob ng dorm.. nakakulong. sarado. mag-isa. sa tahimik. parang napaka-sacred kasi ng pagkain. parang makikipagplastikan ako, parang mababawasan ang personality ko kung sumabay akong kumain sa mga taong hindi ako comfortable with. wala akong masyadong tunay na kaibigan sa kolehiyo. walang may kilala sa'kin. yung as in kilala. well, syempre andyan yung generic information na alam nila. kilala ako ng ilan by name, with the superficial facts about me--mahilig magsulat, magbasa, masaya sa philosophy of man class, scholar, literary editor. come on. yun lang ba ang lahat sa'kin? yun na yun? nobody from around here ever knows me.

second year na'ko, nasa second semester. mula nang tumira ako on my own, malayo sa bahay namin at malayo sa mga [totoong] kaibigan ko, madaming pagbabagong pumasok sa buhay ko. natuto akong uminom ng kape tatlong beses sa isang araw, lima kung malamig ang panahon. natuto akong magising ng maaga na walang nanay na gigising, fully dependent na lang ngayon sa alarm clock. natuto akong maligo without pinainit na tubig. natuto akong manuod ng sine mag-isa. natuto akong kumilatis sa iba't ibang uri at tatak ng instant noodles, ang bestfriend ng mga naka-dorm. natuto akong umuwi ng alas diyes ng gabi, minsan mas late pa. natuto kong maging madamot. kalmutin mo man ako hindi kita papakopyahin. kahit simpleng assignment lang. kahit "kaibigan" pa kita. kahit ako pa dahilan ng pagkabagsak mo, wala kang makukuha sa'kin. natuto akong mabuhay ng walang tulog for weeks, umaasa lang sa energy na bigay ng kape at multivitamin supplements. natuto akong magpasikat sa klase, magpa-good shot sa unang meeting pa lang ng lahat ng subjects. kilala ako ng teachers. matataas ang grades na nakukuha ko. (syempre except algebra. ibang usapan na yun..) natutunan ko ding bumitaw sa ibang mga bagay.

natutunan kong mabuhay ng isang buwang hindi humahawak ng gitara habang dati hindi lumilipas ang araw ng walang kinakanta kasama ng barkada. natuto akong mabuhay sa isang linggong hindi nagsusulat ng kahit isang maikling tula. natutunan kong paniwalain ang sarili ko na masaya ako sa isang degree program na pinilit ko lang ang sarili kong pasukan para maging proud ang mga magulang ko. natutunan kong unti-unting hayaang mawala ang aking mga pangarap. natutunan kong mabuhay mag-isa. walang kaibigan sa loob ng halos dalawang taon na. naglalakad papasok sa school at pauwi ng mag-isa.

hindi ko alam kung pa'no nag-umpisa ang attitude na to. pero isa lang ang klaro sa'kin ngayon: hindi ko na kayang baguhin ang buhay kong ganito.

sa loob ng klase: sigawan. kwentuhan. kainan. tuksuhan. textan. tulugan. at ako ay nasa isang sulok o kaya nasa harapang row ng mga upuan, nakikinig sa professor, nag-lelecture. pumapasa. nabubuhay.

sa mga nauusong GM o group message, ni minsan hindi pa'ko nagreply sa mga ganun. kahit na kasali pa ko o hindi sa message. bah.

hanggang ngayon naguguluhan ako. flashback:
noong hayskul ako, pumapasok ako dala hindi libro kundi gitara.. pumapasok ako sa klase, walang ideyang may exam pala. nabubuhay sa sagot ng iba.. kumokopya.. naghahagisan ng kodigo tuwing may test. nag-cucutting class sa boring na subjects para kumain ng frostee na kulay green sa cafeteria o kaya tumambay sa music room kahit paalisin pa'ko ni sir joe.

halos hindi ko na nga kilala pamilya ko nun eh. aalis ako wala pang 6:00 ng umaga at madalang lang ako makauwi samin ng mas maaga ng 6:00 ng gabi. kasama ko ang mga [tunay] kong kaibigan, nangungutang kami makatambay lang sa jollibee, o kaya gumala sa Plaza Burgos at magtago habang binibidyo yung mga bugaw at bakla. pag-uwi sa bahay dalawang bagay lang ang pwede kong datnan: (1) bawas allowance at walang humpay na sermon ni mama at pag-iling ni daddy dahil sa ugali ko; (2) o kaya something worse than that. naaalala ko, mga tatlo o apat na beses ko na nga atang napaiyak ang TATAY ko. (wag nyo na tanungin kung ilan pa ang sa mama ko. haha).. natuto akong makipag-syota. yung pang-apat kong boylet, naalala ko nag-cutting class pa kami nun. march 4 (bertdey celebration ni mother ignacia. boring.) kung di ako nagkakamali, para tumambay sa bahay ng isang kaklase at manuod ng pekeng dvds. hindi ko na ikukwento kung anu pang miscellaneous activities ang naganap dun. haha. nung hayskul din natuto akong mag-yosi at uminom. nung huling recital nag-shot pa kami bago magperform ng 'alapaap' eh. haha. natuto rin akong magsinungaling sa mga magulang ko. eto siguro ang masasabi kong pinakamalala at pinakamatindi. mula sa simpleng (simple???? wahahaha) pangungupit para makasama sa mga gimik ng barkada hanggang sa pagtatago ng mga relasyong pinasukan ko (na after graduation nalaman kong alam naman pala ng pamilya ko.. hay naku. nagpakahirap pa'ko.).. nagawa ko na ata lahat para pasakitin ang loob ng mga magulang ko. at sa araw na'to, hindi ako makapaniwala sa takbo ng buhay ko. haha. masama akong bata nung high school. pilit ko mang sabihin at ikwento to sa mga nagiging kaklase ko ngayong kolehiyo, ayaw nilang maniwala. pa'no, ang nakilala nila ay ang peke at plastik na version ni sharee.

pero wala akong pinagsisisihan. dahil bawat kalokohang ginawa ko noon (o ngayon) ay siyang nakabuo ng pagkatao ko. ako ay ako dahil sa mga ginawa at hindi ko ginawa. masama ako dati.

pero hindi ko kayang sabihing mabuting tao na'ko ngayon. dahil kung dati nanloloko ako ng magulang, ngayon ang sarili ko ang niloloko ko.

pagpasok sa kolehiyo maraming pagbabago akong naranasan. pagbabagong ikinagulat hindi lang ng mga kaibigan at pamilya ko kundi pati ng sarili ko na rin. kung dati e nangungupit ako para ma-save ang allowance, ngayon nagtitipid ako dahil hindi na'ko marunong lumuwas pauwi sa'min nang walang bitbit na pasalubong para sa kapatid ko. kung dati parasite ako, ngayon tuwing magtetest kami at may ISANG mistake ako, buong araw ko 'yung pinagdudusahan at minsan umaabot ng isang buong linggo ang depresyon. kung dati musika, lalake at pagsulat ang dahilan ko sa pagpasok sa eskwela, ngayon palabok na lang sila sa buhay ko. mga palabok na kulang sa sauce. maputla. matamlay. walang lasa. natutunan kong kundisyunin ang sarili ko at sabihing 'magrereview ako ng anatomy ngayong gabi' and i end up actually doing it. natutunan kong limitahan sa weekends ang pagbabasa ko ng librong hindi textbook. natuto akong magbitbit ng mga bags ng maruruming damit at gamit tuwing lumuluwas, kumpara dati.. na halos subuan pa'ko ng nanay ko kapag kakain na. natutunan kong kumilala ng tao at magdesisyon kung sinong pwedeng maging 'ally' sa war zone na kolehiyo. kailangan mo ng mga tao para mapadali ang buhay mo dito. noong umpisa ko sa kolehiyo naging successful ako sa mga attempts na'to. hanggang sa lumaon, hindi ko na kailangan ng kahit na sino. matapang na'ko. matapang ako.. yan ang laging sinasabi sa'kin ng mga kapit-kwarto ko dito sa dorm sa iilang usapang nagkakaron kami, karamihan ay hindi ako ang nag-umpisa. matapang akong mabuhay mag-isa sa kwarto ko. walang kausap buong linggo at walang kasama maski sa pagkain o pagroronda ng mga malls. so matapang nga 'ko, sabi nila eh.

hindi pa rin malinaw sakin ang mga bagay-bagay sa buhay ko. most times parang ang lahat ay napakabilis. wala nakong kontrol sa panahon ng buhay ko. tumatanda na'ko. madalang ko na lang magawa ang kakaunting mga bagay na gusto ko. at kung gagawin ko man ang mga yun, sandali lang, dahil may mga nakatambak pang research paper at case study na dapat gawin, mga assignments na dapat ayusin para ma-impress ang clinical instructor ko, mga lesson na dapat isaulo at imemorize, nirerecite habang kumakain, naliligo at natutulog, mga bagay na kailanma'y di ko pinangarapang magawa. pero eto ako, patuloy pa rin. lumalaban sa isang digmaang ako lang ang kasali. napakabilis. hindi ko na namalayan. sinabi ko na ako ang bahala, balang araw tutuparin ko ang mga totoong pangarap KO. pero sa lagay ko ngayon, i really don't know anymore. wala na 'kong lakas.

pero manonood pa rin ako ng sine mag-isa, dahil ayokong kasama ang mga kolehiyala sa sinehan. maiingay sila, tumitili kapag may gwapong actor o kaya nakakakilig na scene. kapag seryoso ang theme ng movie, dadaldalan ka nila dahil nabobore ang mga bruha. nasubukan ko na ang may kasama sa breed nila. at hindi ko na uulitin.

magdidinner pa rin akong mag-isa dahil pwede kong kainin ang kahit anong gusto ko na hindi kailangang i-consider ang personal preference, calorie needs at financial status ng mga makakasama ko if ever.

mabubuhay pa rin akong tahimik. mag-isa. palaging nag-iisip at nasisiraan ng bait. nakaiisip ng malalalim na bagay mula sa simpleng pagpatak ng ulan at pag-iyak ng mga pusa. maganda ang mundong ito, lalo na kung lahat ay mananahimik at magpapaka-isa.

sa paglipas ng panahon i have turned myself into a heartless monster. isang halimaw na ang mahal lamang ay ang sarili, ang pamilya, at ang mga kaibigan ng nakaraan. nobody from the present. masyadong malaking risk kasi ang mag-welcome ng bagong characters sa buhay ko. masalimuot. komplikado. perhaps, takot din akong maimpluwensyahan ng iba. takot na kong magbago dahil masyado ng marami ang liko at kanto ng buhay ko.

at kung alinmang araw mula ngayong gabi e sasabihin mo sakin na ang buhay ay masaya at puno ng Barbie dolls na inililigtas ng mga prinsipe Ken papunta sa kaharian ng happy endings, hindi kita paniniwalaan. hindi ngayon. pero ewan natin. malay ko, malay mo.. dumating ang di-kalayuang araw na yayayain ko din silang manood ng sine at kumain ng dinner pagkatapos. at pare-pareho kaming maniniwala sa mga fairy tales.

THE BRA: A Symbol of Female Repression

2007-12-01T19:11:00.000+08:00

I’ve been bloghopping in Multiply and I found this interesting read, an essay submitted for Pan Pil 17. Although I don’t agree with everything that’s written here, I think it’s good food for thought when it comes to gender equality.

THE BRA: A Symbol of Female Repression

by Hannah Reyes

The best part of my every day is probably preparing to go to bed—taking a shower, drinking milk, curling up to a cold cozy bed, texting my boyfriend goodnight and praying. But you know what the most liberating part of this process is? It’s taking off my bra. Yes, I believe that brassieres are very oppressive things.

Being a girl, I have lots of experiences with breasts and bras. When I was eleven, I got my first bra (not that I needed it). I was always teased as a kid because I was such a late bloomer. This made me feel awful as a child who could not understand. It made me feel like I was less of a girl, and it made me rebel actually. I started wearing male clothes—baggy jeans, loose shirts and upside down caps until I realized that I was happier wearing female clothes. I grew up a little and so my beautiful breasts flourished as well.

However I always needed to wear a bra, and on some incidents, this really felt like a bad thing. In my five years of bra-wearing, I have already fainted thrice because of the tightness needed for ‘support.’ This is a direct manifestation of the physical repression brassieres make.

Brassieres may be useful for sports and movement, but they aren’t always a necessity. When I was a child, I also used to wonder why I could not dress up in front of men, and until now, I wonder why I have to dress up in the smelly bathrooms near the tennis courts after PE class while my guy friends can just take their shirts off and change. It makes life so much easier for them. Being suddenly in a co-ed school magnified my realization on this. I’ve always been comfortable just dressing up in front of my classmates and taking off my clothes when we had to change, and suddenly now, since there are boys, I have to be more conscious of my virtue, actions, and of my cleavage.

The bra directly covers the breasts, which directly implies that they should be hidden. Why should we hide the source of what fed us when we were all babies?

The different kinds of bras also shape the ideals of what the right kind of breasts should be. Push up bras imply that breasts ought to be ‘perky’ or not saggy. Maximizers tell women, that they can cheat their way into big breasts because men like big breasts. As a woman, I know that I don’t like men who wouldn’t like me if my breasts were tiny. Bras have become a hidden tool of ideology. I don’t think that it is fair for the female half of the population to suffer just because we have mammary glands. It’s not fair. However, the sad part is that it’s not like women will do anything about it right now. A cultural revolution is needed to fix the mindset of the people so accustomed to having women’s breasts and nipples hidden. Because it is so normal, there isn’t a clamor for a new bra-less society.

I for one wouldn’t really wage a revolution to end the oppression that bras are creating for me, because there are bigger things in life and I choose to just accept bras so I can go and worry about other things. I’m not saying that I like them though. I think of a bra-less society and I picture a slow motion scene of happy women running in a field as their beautiful breasts are freely bouncing without any bras to stop this happy bouncing. I think of this hassle free world where I can dress up wherever I want to and take off my shirt when I feel hot. However, as I said, there are bigger things in life, and I’ve gotten accustomed to these oppressive cups.

For now, all I can do is relish the fact that everyday, I get to liberate myself over and over whenever I take off my bra.

Reposted with permission from the author.

full credit given to ms Frances

pagetwo.wordpress.com

crazyadventure.wordpress.com

err.

2007-12-01T17:52:00.000+08:00

"..Distance was a serious problem but it was not enough to extinguish the flame. We rarely got to see each other because of our tight schedules, but I never doubted our love for each other.."

..mga salitang hiniram ko kay Ms. Diana Emlano sa pagkukuwento nya ng kanyang pagsasayaw at love life. (sad ending, syempre. hindi din sila nagkatuluyan. pero ipo-post ko pa rin.) mga salitang nagpapatunay sa mga nararamdaman ng tulad kong nakikinig sa mga kanta ng mga bandang indie, sinusuportahan ang musikang pinoy habang ginagambala ang mga kapitbahay sa 'ingay' na tinatawag kong musika. tumigil ka na ate, nabibingi na si inay. maglilinis muna ako. kain na.

on a more serious note, oo. umaasa ako sa mga salitang yan.

pagiging malayo. nariyan pero wala naman. mga salitang hatid ng pindot at tunog. pag-ibig na tunay ngunit hindi. lambing na hindi dulot ng mga yakap at halik. o kay tamis naman. oo mahal, kumain ka na. pero nandito ka ngayon, sinta. magbabasa ng libro at maglalakbay sa kalawakan. hindi makaligo. baka masilipan ng construction worker sa kabilang bahay. magkasala pa. madilim. sa panaginip ako'y naging masaya. sa paggising ko masaya pa rin. ha. kakaiba. kakaiba din kung hindi sakit ng loob ang dahilan mo sa pagsusulat kakaiba talaga. oo mahal.

nakakatakot maging masaya.

lalo na if your whole life has been recently lived in all ways not existing with happiness. believe me, nakakatakot.

as it turns out, mas kinakabahan ako ngayong masayang bata na'ko. baka kasi maulit ang isang nakaraang pasakit. nakakatakot hintayin ang isang kalungkutan. nakakatakot maghintay. maghintay sa sakit at luha. mas nakakatakot pa sa kalungkutan in itself. nakakatakot maghintay ng panahong iiyak ako at mas lalong nakakatakot maging isang malungkot na bata.

to live days with the uncertainty of tomorrow being either one of flowers and chocolates wrapped in red paper and aroma or of one with its paved road to infinite moans of pain. sunken brows of past angst. or present. oh, add that future up. eat your lunch, my darling.

hindi ka ba magtatagal? pagtigil mo'y isang dalangin na aking inaasam ~

pero pagkatapos ng lahat ng kabaliwan at pagka-ulol sa loob ng magpakailanman. kalahating oras ng pag-iisip, sa loob ng jeep, paghahagisan ng shuttlecock, luto ni inay. kulang sa asin. nakakasilaw na. kumain ka na, mahal. matatapos din. magkikita tayo mahal. malamig talaga.

bakit ba ang hilig kong mag-[over]analyze.
naguguluhan tuloy ako kung anong agenda ko sa pagsulat nito. pero oo mahal. cute ka 'pag ginugulo kita 'pag nagrereview ka tuwing gabi. galingan mo. kumain ka na. parang nandito ka na rin. napakalamig.

sa ngayon nanlalamig.. sa'n ka ba nagpunta? kumain ka na mahal.
patuloy na pumapatak ang bawat sandaling natitira habang ika'y kapiling ko.

120107iniisipkungkumainnaangakingmahal.

on trash bags and sunken brows from the female feasts of angst and prior love.

2007-11-28T22:58:00.000+08:00

fleeing returns
rolling deep, They soar
of Words and words alike
today I live--
today, I die.

the Empathy is too much
Sunken Brows of the Past
haunting, scurrying along..
for all the Soaring
for all the Grief is blunted
for Me, for Me
oh, the Blue stings...hot!
Absurdity!

of Hurt and Love. Hurt and Love Again.
potatoes sacked
and Journeys to cornerstones;
to the Festivities of Flying Guitars;
to the Drowning deficits of This Life
sweets. charm. and stagnant.
Spoil My Life
artsy Fairness!
Spoil My Life..
to summon the entertainment
entertained by My Life's whatevers
Miseries--all.
at sea-bottom

leave Me and bid farewell
nay--tomorrow greet Me still!
as Shoots spring forth,
as Nocturne shines onto Me
to My eyes
eerie and vulnerable
ha! My Fragile...

until On and On.

the Cold is gripping.

the Cold, the Cold...

draping
covering
hiding

smother Me towards the Hearth that I call:

voiceless sultry.
My Eerie.
My Fragile.

red
redder
black
today I live--
today, I die.

the Joys of reaching the road's End
ah.. the joys are None.
Spoil My Life.
of Hurt and Love. Hurt and Love Again!
for Pain is a beautiful thing--
the beauty of Forever

but then..

Forever is No word
No word But Pain.
sneering...
Painful, Gleeful all the same.
shallow Pain and deep.

Spoil Me. I beg to Spoil My Life

because Pain Is a beautiful thing
A Nothing called Forever.

11282007
nananaginip na naman sa klase.
[for the nth time -- float-dreaming during class]

kapag brawnawt anak, gamitin mo ang emergency light.

2007-11-27T21:11:00.000+08:00

I REFUSE TO STUDY my notes for tomorrow's return demonstration sa RLE dahil pag nag-aral ako.. well.. uhm.. wala lang. basta ayoko ngang magreview. pero kapag nawala ako bigla, ibig sabihin magrereview nako para bukas.

ang gutom at ang busog, magkaibang tao pero nagiging isa tuwing sasapit ang ika-dalawampu't pito ng nobyembre, anumang taon. (naka-ismayl mag-isa habang nagsusulat) sa pagitan ng isang 'di ma-gets na assignment sa Biostatistics at ng bukas na pakete ng skyflakes (skyflakes. simple.) ay ang nagliliparang mga mensaheng pinagpapalitan ng dalawang taong nasa magkabilang dulo ng Luzon. nangangarap, nag-iilusyon, nananaginip tapos magigising. maduduming pajamang nakakalat sa sulok, sapatos na last year pa huling na-Kiwi, 'yung itim na gitarang bitbit ay sandamakmak na masasayang alaala ng hayskul at si Tarsy na bigay ng pinsan kong galing Bohol, nakasabit pa rin sa ref. hay, ang buhay talaga. parang sira-ulo. tinotopak. at ngayong gabi, matindi ang sumpong.

nahawaan tuloy ako.

hahaha. ako ay tumatawa. lumalaklak ng skyflakes. (skyflakes. simple.) at kahapon lang e umiiyak ang baliw na batang pindot nang pindot kahit wala namang patutunguhan ang pagpindot.

tinitignan ko ang oras. nge. wala pang alas nuebe. hahaha. ako ay tumatawa. pede ko pang ipagmayabang na 'di ako mag-aaral para bukas. hinihintay ang paglalim ng gabi, hinihintay ang huling minuto, ang huling pagkakataon ko para magmadaling isaksak sa utak ang mga dapat pag-aralan para bukas. tatawa muna ako. hahaha.

paborito ko talagang niloloko sarili ko.

hahaha. ako ay tumatawa. skyf

cupid floating over rivers of sands, floods and gust, hear me, hear me.

2007-11-27T20:16:00.000+08:00

the White rolls to the Right
such dim Eyes stare;
stab

straight
to my Eyes

straight
to the Heart

right There where i am

vulnerable--

fragile.

sweating, i cursed Today
in turn giving me Bliss
sudden
unplanned
naive Bliss.

the Ecstasy is beyond reality
sweeping off people's feet

miles of Crashing
thunders..
pours..
Tears and Grins
the Rates swell over

bouncing, bouncing..

i can feel.. alas!

Numbers to Digits:
digits to Letters--
to Words

Oh! words of Love, Oh! kiss me harshly!
feel It--feel Me as i do

for Fear has numbed Me wholly
sealing Me in its Care
plugs
songs
and daughters gleeful

the Roil has ended.

they looked at Me

straight
at my Eyes:
straight...

bouncing, bouncing..

babaeng takas.

2007-11-26T16:30:00.000+08:00

HINDI AKO PUMASOK sa school ngayong araw na'to sa dalawang subjects ko para uminom ng dalawang mug ng kape, one after the other, para magwiwi, para manuod ng grey's anatomy sa internet, para magbasa ng Youngblood 3, at para tumawa ng malakas pagkatapos kong isulat ito.

Kung 'yan ang ilalagay kong reason sa excuse slip ko at papapirmahan sa matandang binatang academic coordinator namin malamang titignan nya lang ako na blangko ang mukha. Pero syempre 'di naman ako katanga para gawin yun diba? So, nag-absent ako kasi nga masama pakiramdam ko, may medical certificate pa nga 'ko e (di lang ako sure kung legit talaga yun kasi hindi naman ako chinek-upan nung duktor kasi kamag-anak namin sya).. But that's beside the point. So i've been burning with mild fever for three days now and with the intense desire of not going to school because .. uh.. wala lang. trip trip lang. E kasi ni minsan 'di pa talaga ako nag-aabsent -- with the right denotation of the word ha. Hindi pa'ko naleleyt ni minsan kahit sa minor subjects lang. So naisip ko na hindi naman kasama sa mataas na tuition fee namin ang kontrata na maging isang mabait na estudyante. Tsaka may sakit naman talaga ako e.

Totoo.

And then i got home sa dorm ko. Humiga daw kuno. As if. It wouldn't be 'me' kung hihiga lang ako maghapon at sasayangin ko ang opportunity kong mabuhay due to my not going to school. Carpe diem, ika nga. Hehehehe. So on goes the computer. Nag-check ng articles para sa school paper, nagreply sa lahat ng nagsend ng contributions dahil pinapahalagahan ko ang aking public image as a nice editor. Malay mo, maging nominee pa'ko sa TOS diba. Haha.. tapos ayun, uminom ng kape. Kinabahan. Isa pang mug. Yan, okey na'ko. Sana gumaling na'ko, nakakainis pag punas ka nang punas ng sipon tapos namumula pa yung nostrils mo. Kadiri.

Waiting for my movie downloads, nagbasa-basa ako sa Youngblood ko and i found one nice read. Medyo ma-effort masyado kung kokopyahin ko ng buo at i-popost ko dito, so i'm extracting a quote from it which i felt deeply. The essay is entitled Love and Tooth No. 29 by Maria del Rosario, dated August 28, 2001.

"No, I'm not crying over the tooth. You see, I am mourning the loss of my first love and the loss of my childhood innocence and the belief that life is perfect and love is forever. Whereas before, I consoled myself with the possibility of a reconciliation, his marriage has closed this possibility. Although I wish him all the happiness, I am crying for all the 'ifs' and 'what-could-have-beens' in our relationship, for what was not said and can no longer be said, and for the resolution I seek of the question of why it had to end in the first place. I am crying for the lessons learned: that love freely given can be taken away by the giver and that love cannot and should not be forced."

It seems like a cliched statement but not after reading the whole essay. I wish everybody would read Youngblood. The entries are such eye-openers. I never really was aware that the Filipino youth is still actively writing and that there are still people who do care and hope for the improvement of this country.

So much for book promotion. Tama na nga. Nakatingin sa'kin ngayon si Tarsy na bigay ng pinsan ko galing Bohol, nakasabit sa ref na patungan ng printer imbes na lamnan ng pagkain, tinuturo ang basang tuwalyang nakasampay sa dobol bed na lalagyan ko ng libro. Ang memo pad na puno pa rin ng calculations ng aking pagbubudget para makabili ng regalo para sa'king mga magulang at kapatid. Puno ng mga pangalan ng mahahalagang tao sa eskwela. Amoy kape pa rin ang lamesang hindi na magamit sa pagsusulat dahil masyadong makalat. Mga larawang nakadikit sa pader na mahal ko pa rin hanggang ngayon. Ang buhay ng isang tumatakas sa tunay na mundo sa labas ng pinto. Sinisipon. Inuubo. Masaya dahil wala sa eskwela, kahit isang araw lang.

Hindi ako pumasok ngayon sa last two subjects ko para kausapin ang sarili. Pasayahin ang kaluluwa sa katahimikan at pag-iisang hindi mabibili ng sinuman o mabibigay ng kahit anong uri ng pagkaing mataas sa cholesterol gaano man ako kasiba. Hindi ako pumasok para mahiga sa kama at paluputin ang sarili sa mga takip na akin lamang. Walang kahati. Pumasok ako para patayin ang mga langgam na sumusugod sa lalagyan ko ng asukal. Na sa huli ay aking pinagsisisihan. Hindi ko na sila papatayin sa susunod. Masarap ang kape kapag walang asukal. Natutuwa ako. Hindi ako pumasok. 'Di ako makapaniwala. *tatawa ng malakas* Hindi talaga ako pumasok. *tatawa. mag-isa.* Isang normal na bagay para sa maraming tao. But not going to class for two subjects is the greatest accomplishment I have had for the last 2 years of my life. Natutuwa ako. Hindi ako pumasok.

I should do this more often.

sharee:112607..nagjojokesalastsentence,iniisipparinangsinabisakanyaniJudeLaw..

this is a blog entry of a wishful thinker drinking sugarfree coffee up the third floor.

2007-11-26T12:21:00.000+08:00

I RECEIVED A TEXT MESSAGE from a former classmate a few days ago, and i find it quite unlikely that it still enjoys the space of my phone's inbox. then again, maybe i should share it. sometimes keeping things to ourselves is not a very healthy habit (hence my state of sanity is greatly detrimented).. the sender might not mean the message wholeheartedly, it must have been just sent through group message as a form of hi, but idk.. i took it quite seriously. (must be desperation)..:

A sweet truth..

"When God knows you're READY for the
responsibility of commitment..

He'll reveal the right person
under the right circumstances.."

Wait patiently.. Don't waste your time searching and wishing.
Grow and be ready.
You'll see....

God will give you a love story far better than you could ever dream of.

and i pray again that the message is true, and that God does have a love story for me some time soon, because mine sucks. at pagod nako sa kahihintay. pangako.

technically, hindi na'ko masyadong malungkot. to think that i am at home, after all, with my family. god, i missed them. and with them i missed my mom's cooking (okay--hindi naman talaga sya yung nagluto. well at least sya ang nag..uhm..nag-decide kung anong lulutuin diba. wag na kayo.), and the greatest invention of man to date..... TV. oh dear.

and so the couch potatoing began. the family went out, my parents drove my grandparents to the airport for their flight, my sister was at school and i am at home. with the food my mom did not literally cook and the TV that signals a whole day of lousy life. in other words, heaven.

do not argue with me, for i am deprived of these greatest perks during the weekdays. so.. i watched an entire playlist of films if i may say, Must Love Dogs, There's Something About Mary, The Devil Wears Prada from HBO and Good Luck Chuck, Notting Hill, Date Movie, Dan in Real Life plus a few House MD episodes from tvshack.net on the web. to sum it up, i was a chick flick fan for a moment there, wallowing in the silver-screened idea of true love, of losing and finding in the end, and that these stories never actually happen in real life. (yes Dan, they don't) i hate movies since then. and i'm still gonna watch them. happy endings seem to hurt me a lot than do sad endings. why? because happy endings stress out what a bummer my life is. when i become a filmmaker (IF) all endings shall end sad. hurt lovers. separation. distance.

which reminds me....

some representative of the male species once (or twice, no.. i think it's thrice) told me that distance makes relationships impossible to work out. i agreed, of course, lacking the energy to fight for something i already have for the past years of my youth. so i said yeah, i know, you're right. (what's the point with argument anyway?)

oh hell. and then i watch The Holiday and my old friend Jude Law tells me, and i quote:
"..long distance relationships CAN work.."

now which of them is telling the truth, i do not really care of.

so the day ends and i acquire a heavy sigh to express my pent up emotions because nobody from my beloved family would be exactly delighted to learn that something is actually buggering me except for my very much important studies. i go to bed early because i am not feeling good and i wake up and decide to not attend my class and i end up couch potatoing again (thank me for that new word) and i watch grey's anatomy and actually enjoy it, which would be a spoiler for my pride, because i really hate the medical profession now that i'm being trained to become part of it, and then mom calls for lunch and my day at home becomes stale and blissful.

the last word was made up.

then i get to listen to Diane Lane muttering a poem on TV, i halt, reflect and say goddamit.

Brown Penny
by William Butler Yeats

I whispered, ‘I am too young,’
And then, ‘I am old enough’;
Wherefore I threw a penny
To find out if I might love.
‘Go and love, go and love, young man,
If the lady be young and fair.’
Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,
I am looped in the loops of her hair.

O love is the crooked thing,
There is nobody wise enough
To find out all that is in it,
For he would be thinking of love
Till the stars had run away
And the shadows eaten the moon.

Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,
One cannot begin it too soon.

as expected the last stanza made me think the whole afternoon, unable to concentrate on the album promotion of a local band over cable tv. oh! why is it so unfair when i am the subject of scrutiny?

The Dawn sings in the background, "bakit ba nagpakita ka .. para maglaho lang.. magparamdam ka naman.. kahit na sandali lang.. "

the hours speed off, as if chanting that the weekend disappear abruptly to cause me much pain and suffering as i enter my dormitory room.. a sign that tomorrow is a freaking monday and i need to study my lessons for all subjects (which i do not do, as it turns out).

i fail to take my vitamin C supplements and coffee the previous night. the reasons, i guess, for my inability to act normal the next morning.

sharee:112607..infrontofthecomputer,wishingjudelawwasright..

112207

2007-11-22T19:00:00.000+08:00

madami akong natutunan ngayong araw na 'to.

first of all, it's friday tomorrow. i'm going home.

napansin ko lang, masakit masaktan. lalo na kapag ibinigay mo ang lahat. mahirap lumimot kung ang isang taong mahalaga sa'yo ay mas mahal mo kesa sa'yong sarili.

i used to believe in this as true. but now, i'm having second thoughts.
sacrificing for someone does not mean that one loves him more than oneself. it is only a way of showing the love, for there is no such thing as loving someone more than oneself.

and we cannot define what is beyond the love for oneself.

why do we cry when we get hurt? why do we smile when we are happy? it is because of our love for ourselves. a love that is the greatest of all. it causes all pain. all hurt. all bitterness. all wisdom. hurt. it causes all hurt.

nangako s'ya sa'kin, hindi ko alam ilang beses na. sabi n'ya sa huli kami din ang magkakatuluyan. pero walang nangyari. walang nangyayari. kung may mangyayari man, hindi ko na alam. nangako s'ya sa'kin. hindi ko malilimot ang mga salitang pinanghawakan ko. the words that kept me holding on for so long. his words, they were all that i have. they still are. and i'm not certain if i should keep on holding them close. he made a promise, after all.

promises are not made to be broken. if they are, why do they have to exist?

promises are made to be fulfilled.

obedience to one's promise was never meant to be easy. the vow to obedience is the most difficult thing to follow, yet the most rewarding. it is never easy. but no one said it has to be impossible.

kaya.. siguro.. hihigpitan ko na lang ang kapit ko, para sakaling mabitawan nya'ko, hindi magiging ganun kasakit ang pagbagsak.

e paano na kung tuluyan nang nawala?

we cannot really discern what we want in life unless we share it with someone.
and i hate that someone. but hate is love turned cold. too cold.

***********

masyado nang maingay ang mundo. hindi na natin marinig ang totoong gusto natin.

hindi ko alam kung matutuwa ako o malulungkot sa mga katotoohanang na-realize ko kanina. God will make you realize the life that you want to be. Diyos ko, matagal Mo nang pina-realize sa'kin 'yun e.. at yan din ang dahilan kaya hirap na hirap ako ngayon. ang mahirap pang parte diyan ay ang masakit na katotoohan na it is not a question of simply KNOWING what God wants us to do... it's a matter of DOING what He wants. it is not enough to discover our vocation in life. these things must be fulfilled.

"God calls me and sends me forth....."

Charisms are special talents and gifts freely given from God to us that they are so innate in us. We need to develop them. It is when we discover these that we discover our mission. the purpose.

***********************************

they say that Death is the greatest fulfilment in life. if you lived a good life.

that kind of life is one i'm not having.

matagal pa ba ang bukas?

*******************

nagpapasalamat po ako ng buong puso sa propesor ko sa christian studies sa kamangha-manghang isipin at ideyang ginising nya sa akin: both in the philosophies of love and purpose.

ours is a hostile world.

2007-11-22T00:24:00.000+08:00

futile love. futile dreams.
i bid meself. morn ing-- its wakeful doze
the urgent. the true. the hurtful. the pleasure. all
of it. none. some. a few. generous rivers fall down my
facade. left. leave. go. bruises. stories to tell are suicidal at
afternoons. sun setting. diaphoresis calling me. i bid. i bid
meself. forgive me. you. what poorly acquainted life! oh
yes, oh no. i want to receive. but the coming is an
invasion. no one is saved. not one. of all i am
not. paper flies. weights down low. 'tis an
absurdity i hate too greatly. do you
intend it? do you mean it? do
you do it on purpose? that
i die-- in your arms, i
die. death is too
sweet for me.
alas, i bid
meself.
aye.
.X.

storm signal no. 2

2007-11-22T00:20:00.000+08:00

may calcium pa rin ang gatas kahit panis na.
may araw pa rin kahit umuulan maghapon at sinabi ni kuya kim na may bagyo.
oo. masarap pa rin ang kape kahit walang asukal.

may buhay pa rin kahit walang pag-ibig.

naiinis ako sa sarili ko dahil ambilis kong maapektuhan sa mga mabibigat na bagay na nag-aalter ng takbo ng buhay ko. oo masakit kapag papasok ka sa klase mo, BioStatistics, at makikita mo ang mga kaklase mong ginugupit ang mga pahina at larawan ng inyong school paper (na ilang linggo ninyong pinag-brainstorm-an at isinulat sa office, inedit, pinalitan, binalik, pinag-isipan, binago, pinaganda, tinapos, pinublish, at cinirculate nang walang sweldo para sa kapakanan ng mga dakilang mag-aaral ng mga kolehiyo sa inyo.) para idikit sa collage na assignment ninyo pero lalapitan mo lang sila, ngingiti, sasabihing "uy.. school paper natin yan ah" at nang hindi nila nakuha ang mensaheng nais iparating ay uupo ka na lang, mapapailing sa pagka-immature ng ilang piling nilalang sa mundong tintitirhan nila at mo rin. mas nasaktan ka dahil yung part pa na kung saan nakasulat yung article mo ang ginawang piraso ng papel para pag-mix-an ng glue na gagamiting pandikit sa isang napaka prestigious na takdang araling hindi naman talagang bibigyang pansin ng isang doktor na teacher ninyo. bubuksan mo ang libro at magkukunwaring walang nangyari, at biglang mag-faflashback sa isip mo ang isang dialogue, na kung saan ikaw ang main karakter, ilang araw lang pagkatapos ng unang araw ng semester na'to.

literature class:

seatmate : "nakakainis naman, malay ko bang gumawa ng poems."

ikaw : "di nga? haha.. ako okey sakin yung mga gan'tong lessons e."

seatmate : "talaga? hmm.. uhm.. oy sharee, ikaw ba, nagsusulat ka ba?"

(unang sampal)

ikaw : "ah, eh.. oo, parang ganun na nga."

(katahimikan)

(magsasalita ang titser. titingin kayo sa example sa book.)

seatmate : uh...

ikaw : tignan mo 'to o.. pag ako ayoko ng mga nag-rarhyme na poem.

seatmate : ako din, nakakaduling no?

ikaw ay mapapatingin sa baba. : ah, ako, ewan.. parang ang baduy kasi nila e.

(ikukuwento mo na wala naman talagang mga rules na dapat magkarhyme ang lines ng tula)

seatmate : oo nga no? matagal ka nang nagsusulat no?

ikaw : uhm, medyo.. hayskul pa.

...

ikaw : 'di mo ba binabasa school paper?

seatmate : uhm, hindi eh.. bakit?

(ikalawang sampal)

ikaw : ah, wala wala .. wala naman.. nakaka-sad lang mga students noh? pinaghihirapan kasi ng mga staffers yung mga issue na yun eh.

seatmate : oo nga.. hehe.

masakit ng slight kapag lilipas ang ilang linggo at walang may alam sa section mo na nagsusulat ka pala sa school paper.

at kinamayan ka ng vice president ng university last sem. narinig mo nang maglecture about writing si Aleck Pabico ng Philippine Center for Investigative Journalism. feature writer of the year ka nung hayskul (hehe) .. nakilala ka last week sa Bulacan State University dahil sa press congress na sinalihan mo. masaya para sa'yo ang iyong mga magulang, tita, tito, pinsan, barkada. ba't ka nga naman masasaktan sa pagiging uninvolved ng mga klasmeyt mo hindi ba?

masasaktan ka dahil matamlay pa sa tae ng nag-e-LBM na pasyente ang iyong love life. tigang ka pero hindi dahil sa el nino at pagkakaubos ng mineral water sa ref mo. ayaw mo nang manuod ng sine ulit hindi dahil nagtitipid ka, walang magandang pelikula, o busy ang schedule mo. nakikinig ka sa rock hindi dahil tibo ka o dahil galit ka sa mundo. hindi ka na nagfifriendster kasi ang weird ng pakiramdam kapag hindi na "it's complicated" ang nakalagay sa profile mo. nanunuod ka ng grey's anatomy sa internet dahil may iniiwasan kang melodramatic na mga pelikula kung saan magtatapos sa kissing scene at sex ang storya. maganda ang isang kanta pero hindi mo pakikinggan at magdadahilan kang ayaw mo kesyo dahil mukhang ipis ang singer, siyempre hindi mo aamining ayaw mong pakinggan dahil masasaktan ka (na naman).

pero bakit ka masasaktan kung may dose kang kaibigan na malilibog, tamad, matakaw at palaging nagpapalibre? malulungkot ka ba kung tuwing pagitan ng ika-dalawampu't anim at ika-dalawampu't pito ng Marso taun-taon e may isang dosenang tao ang hinihintay ang hatinggabi para i-text ka dahil kuripot sila masyado para tumawag sa isang espesyal na araw sa buhay mong lanta? masasaktan ka pa ba kung sa bawat pagkakataon may nanunukso sa'yo dahil sinubukan mong sulatan si mandy moore nung hayskul ka, sulatkamay gamit ang bolpen at yellow paper? masasaktan ka pa ba kung naiirita ka na sa bespren mong pinagkakalat sa mundo ang na-record nyang pagkanta mo ng tuliro ng sponge cola (kung saan nakalimutan mo yung lyrics ng 2nd stanza)? masasaktan ka pa ba kung may kaibigan kang tatakas sa bahay para samahan kang mag-gym twice a week para may kasama kang pagpawisan dahil antakaw-takaw mo? e kung may mga kakilala ka sa eskuwelang magbabasa ng bawat issue ng skulpaper dahil nabalitaan nilang andun yung letrato mo sa tabi ng isang column na pinapangako nilang hindi nila naintindihan sa lalim ng ingles mo pero binasa pa rin nila hanggang sa huling salita dahil kaklase ka nila dati sa pilosopi of man? masasaktan ka pa ba kung tuwing weekend umuuwi ka sa isang pamilyang kinasasabikan mong maka-kwentuhan tungkol sa mga nangyari sa marimar? e kung masaktan ka man, makasarili ka na lang talaga siguro.

pero makakatulog ka pa rin at gigising sa ingay ng alarm clock kahit na nakakatatlong tasang kape ka na ngayong araw.

walang asukal.

about the cover 2.0

2007-11-20T20:38:00.000+08:00

anu na? sabi ko na senyo e. kahit na magyabang pa'ko buong gabi sigurado namang matutulog din ako at gigising. gigising sa nakakainis na alarm clock sa tabi ng tenga ko. alas syete na ng umaga pero parang kulang pa rin ang ipinagkaloob na opportunity sa'king magmuni-muni at makapaniwalang oo, kelangan ko nang tumayo kundi maleleyt ako. may test pa pala sa health economics. babangon at magsisipilyo. maghuhugas ng mukha tapos maliligo. iinom ng kape. hihiga ulit.

i always believe that people should drink their coffee after brushing teeth. don't you think so? i think mas sexy ang dating at mas nakagigising ng ulirat kung mangangamoy kape ako buong umaga.

i had no idea today would be an inch (make that three) better than yesterday. i really don't have the energy to tell a story, but i know i was happy the whole mid-day because of school stuff. you know the works--recognition, excellence, et cetera.

but then of course, ako ang nilalang na hindi ipinagkalooban ng karapatang maging masaya tulad ng normal na mga tao. sinisinghot ang kape. nakatitig sa bagong bigay na statement of account. BILLS. gastos na naman. putres.

hindi ba't mas masarap ang kape pag dinadahan-dahang tanggalin sa sistema ng iyong katawan ang asukal? i'm madly in love with my 3-in-1, yes, pero..... would that not qualify as a weird thing? they say it's three in one, where the three breaks down to coffee, creamer and sugar.. and i bought sugarfree coffee. right.

**fumbles brain.. wracking.. wracking.. aha!!!!!**

so artificial sweeteners pala ang nasa kape ko. oo nga naman. 'di nga naman asukal yun e ano?

buhay.

life. i once told my classmates a few years ago that life is not fair, more so is love. if it was fair, where's the point in living? at sino naman ako para magsalita ng ganoon di 'ba? i was only able to pour out those words of "wisdom" because i was practically problem-free at the moment. i never realy understood how unfair life is until now.

unti-unting inaalis ang asukal sa sistema. last month kalahati ng tasa ko asukal, kalahati kape. two weeks ago dalawang kutsara na lang ang nilalagay kong sugar. last week binawasan ko pa sa isang tbsp. ngayon kalahating kutsara na lang. bukas aalisin ko na.

hanggang sa muling pagkikita..
paalam.. asukal.

no wonder my life is turning bitter.

nanood ako ng nakakatawang movie kagabi sa internet. tawa nga 'ko nang tawa kahit ako lang mag-isa sa kwarto ko. nagmumukha akong tanga pero at least walang nakakakita. i was laughing but well, yeah, i was not happy. they say laughter is the best medicine. i laugh a lot.. at jokes, at movies. how is it then, that i am not cured? i'm turning manic-depressive and i am consciously aware of letting myself to be eaten whole in the process.

****************

"sorry if all i say is sorry."

okay lang.

"kaya mo pa ba?"

ngayon ko pa ba hindi kakayanin?

"sigurado ka bang kaya mo?"

ngayon pa ba ako susuko?

"gusto mo pa ba?"

ngayon ko pa ba hindi gugustuhin?

"ayaw mo na?"

'wag mo na akong tanungin. ikaw naman ang magdecide.

"i'm sorry..."

may test pa'ko bukas.

about the cover:

2007-11-19T22:08:00.000+08:00

nah. who wants to sleep if sleeping will eventually lead to waking up, where waking up leads to going to school. it's 1:00 AM and i'm wallowing myself with the sadness that only i can conjure. it's dark and cold. but there is no wind, there is just.. emptiness. emptiness in the four walls of this humble room i'm paying for the past two years of my living. a room flocked with newspapers and medical textbooks, with blood pressure cuffs and with sketch pads. i eye my dear paper weight, my memo pad filled with e-mail addresses of "big shots" in the journalism league at school. i look at the computer screen providing the sole illumination in this room for i am afraid of light. my room is dark. my windows have never been opened since i started to become their tenant. my door only opens when i go out and succeedingly follow to lock it up. my lights only get on when i feel the urge to be that responsible student everybody knows and read my books. the post-its cover up much of my free wall space, reminding me of my hectic life. a life i chose but never given thought to before the choosing.

it's 9:00 PM and i cannot believe how time spins too fast when i'm in this room. and all the while i've been melting my wristwatch with my stare earlier at school. damn me. what's happening?

"watch your thoughts; they become words.
watch your words; they become actions.
watch your actions; they become habits.
watch your habits; they become character.
watch your character; it becomes your DESTINY."

yeah-- right. i was given this pink-papered note by my health ethics instructor on the day of our final exams last semester. i just wish i hadn't read it. masakit masyado.

wah.. alas nuebe y media na nga. alas kwatro pa lang kanina eh. andami ko pang pagtetest bukas. ni isang page wala pa'kong alam. pucha. e anu namang pakialam ko sa morbidity mortality na yan? walangya naman kasi. pati mga walang konek at walang kakwenta-kwentang bagay e kailangan pang pag-aralan. asa naman sila.

faces of different emotions contained within me are transferred onto copy paper. scotch taped onto my walls. my walls which i am beginning to love.

haynaku.. matutulog ba'ko ngayong gabi? sinabi ko kahapon 'di ako matutulog. then reality kicked me in my ass, and i (of course) sighed what stupidity it will be on my part if i would not sleep. dahil sa ayaw ko man o sa gusto gigising din ako at maliligo. mag-tatantrum attack kuno habang nakikipag-tawaran sa ingay ng alarm clock. pero iinom din ng kape. papasok din ng school nang hindi na nakakapagbreakfast dahil mas masarap gamitin ang oras sa pagkasat-kasat sa kama kesa sa papikit-pikit na pagnguya ng almusal na hindi naman masarap dahil wala akong nanay na ipagluluto ako ng hotdog at itlog.

listening to heartache alternatives at this time, when the world is asleep, dreaming.. and i am awake, fighting off drowse for i know that dreams though pleasant can hurt thrice as much when i wake up and realize they are not coming true.. they never will happen.

pagod na'ko sa routine. nakakasawa. nakakairita. galing ako sa guidance counselor kanina, may appointment kasi mga college scholars at the time para sa individual follow-up. ayun, nagpakaplastik na naman ako.

"kamusta naman?"
"okey naman po.."
"any problems so far? teachers? subjects?"
"uhh.. wala, wala po.."
"so, let's see.... wow, tumaas pa pala percentage ng scholarship mo? itatanong ko pa man din sana if na-maintain mo. it's nice to know this."
"salamat po."
"alam ko namang masipag ka at masaya ako dahil hindi pa rin nawawala ang drive mo sa pag-aaral.."
(rolls eyes nung hindi nakatingin)--"ah, opo.. thank you po."

so parang ganun na nga. ako ang estudyanteng mataas ang grades na hindi tinatamad. masaya sa nursing (p***!!). driven. isa pa. DRIVEN. sinong niloloko ko?

munching Eggnogs.. i'm forcing wakefulness to visit me by reading forums. forums of people who ARE doing what they believe they should. my hands are trembling because of the third mug of coffee on my desk. yeah. it's indirect suicide. wala nang nagtetext, anu ba yan.

matagal na'kong tinatamad. tinatamad sa buhay na'to. sa buhay ko. sa buhay na kailangan pa ng isang libong excuse slip at permission letters para lang makasama ako para sa tatlong putragis na araw sa malayong lugar para makapagsulat at mahalin ang sarili ko. nakakatamad nang ilabas ang saloobin sa blogs ko na wala namang makakarinig mula sa tunay kong mundo. nakakatamad nang tugtugin ang mga kanta ng nakaraan. nakakatamad nang gumawa ng tula na ako lang at mga walang-pasasalamat na mag-aaral sa kolehiyo ko ang nakababasa. nakakatamad nang pigain ang pitaka ng aking mga magulang para makabili ng mga bandage at tongue depressor. nakakatamad nang maging duwag. nakakatamad nang magdusa araw araw sa buhay na ako din naman ang nagtatag. nakakatamad magtiyaga sa bimonthly na publikasyon ng diyaryo ng paaralan para lang makapagsulat ng mga bagay na hindi kunek sa medisina o sa katawan ng bulok na taong "pinapangarap" kong gamutin pagdating ng araw. nakakatamad nang mag-aral. hayun!! sinabi ko na. oo umaamin na ang masipag na ako na mataas ang pride. ang ako na ni minsan ay hindi nangopya kahit assignment lang. wala na'kong ganang mag-recite at magpapansin sa klase. hindi na'ko bibo, hindi na nagpapakitang-gilas. hindi na nga ko nagsasalita eh.

nakakatamad nang magreklamo pero hindi pa pagod ang diwa ko na ipaglaban (kahit na ang kalaban ay ang aking sarili) ang gusto kong mangyari sa buhay KO.

at 1:30 AM, i am sleeping. i still have class tomorrow.

'di pa pala ako nakakapag-rebyu. teka lang ha.

10:00 PM, Lunes.